The Confusing And Frightening World Of Being A Semi-Functioning Adult Millennial
Remember how as kids we just couldn’t wait to grow up and become adults? From boomer criticism to the job market, and our achy-breaky bodies, how badly are you regretting that wish right now?
Are we children? Are we adults? Are we stupid children stuck in the bodies of awkward adults who are desperately trying to figure everything out while we struggle to find something to watch on Netflix? I’m sure once we figure it out we’ll tweet about it, but in the meantime, here’s a brief (but hilarious) glimpse at the life of a semi-functioning adult millennial.
Call Us The Spice Girls
Between the Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls, the 1990s truly were a time to be alive. Despite millennials only being born in the ’80s and ’90s, it’s fair to say that’s probably when we peaked too.
But despite all the flack we get from both generations that have sandwiched us in, I could forgive you all entirely if “millennials” were renamed the “Spice Girls generation.”
Millennials Can Have It All
“After 18 months of careful financing, budgeting, and responsible spending, I’m OFFICIALLY a mattress owner. In this economic climate, it feels good to have some equity. People say millennials have it so tough but look! I can afford a thing to sleep on, so that’s good.”
This Redditor was so proud of his dedication to financial savviness that he just had to share how he broke the millennial cycle of adulting with the world. Hahaha just kidding!
The Joys Of Online Shopping
Online shopping has revolutionized the way we purchase goods and services, and millennials are unique because we remember a time both before and after the creation of e-commerce.
But I’m willing to bet that our parents didn’t have to deal with deliveries this hilariously embarrassing. You know what they say, “If you want something done right…”
Social Media Addiction
Do you know how boomers always criticize millennials for being addicted to their cell phones and social media? This picture proves that the pendulum swings both ways.
Aunt Susan bombards Facebook with 15 photos a day of her granddaughter and blindly shares misinformation, but no, we’re the ones with the problem.
Your Body Ain’t What It Used To Be
As a kid and a college student, the confines of your stomach were only a mere suggestion and when you saw food you’d turn into a vacuum cleaner and would inhale anything within sight and never have to worry about gaining weight.
But not as an adult. Not only does one slice of cake make you gain weight, but even the slightest sensation of pain is cause for worry that your body is falling apart. You run your symptoms through WebMD, and yep. You’re definitely dying.
And Neither Is Your Memory
If your body is falling apart, then your brain definitely is too. If we can’t even remember what we ate for breakfast yesterday morning then how on earth can we remember dozens of passwords?
Yes, I know my password is weak. It matches the rest of me.
Please Stop Taking My Money
Between student loans and a dismal job market, sometimes when you’re an adult trying to find your place in the world, money can be hard to come by. Everywhere is a reminder that in this world’s budgetary battle, we’re losing.
There’s nothing like income taxes or ATM fees to remind you that “your money” isn’t actually “your money.”
The Money Pit
Congratulations! You’re one of the few millennials who’s succeeded at purchasing your first house and are eager to turn it into the home of your dreams.
The problem is because you’re a millennial buying in this red-hot market, you probably had to bid over the asking price and without a home inspection clause. And now you’re stuck with a huge unexpected expense all because Danny-DIY didn’t want to call an electrician. Welcome to homeownership.
Eating What You Want, When You Want
The one benefit to being an adult is the ability to eat whatever you want whenever you want because Mom and Dad aren’t there to tell you otherwise.
Whether it’s a slice of cake for dinner, or the coffee mug full of wine I had last week for breakfast, what a truly magical time to be alive!
Time (And Everything Else) Is Meaningless
Can you not remember what day of the week it is? Does it seem like time is always fleeting away? Then huzzah! You’re a millennial adult!
You relished in the coming-of-age experiences enjoyed in the first 20 years of your life, then your drunken college days, and then all of a sudden you’re an exhausted 30-year-old with a crap job and rent. You’re now older than the Friends gang was back in season one. Time means nothing anymore!
Digital Carbohydrates
Dear Theo thought he was being clever when he poked fun at the items millennials would be too young to recognize. But dear Theo was indeed very wrong.
If the bread is digital then surely pesky calories won’t exist, right? (At least that’s what I’ll tell myself when I eat an entire cheese loaf by myself.)
Washing The Laundry
Growing up, you probably remember your parents separating laundry into different categories and then tossing them into the washer and dryer respectively.
But not millennials. Washing instruction tags are for the weak.
Random Body Aches
I used to tease my middle-aged dad about the random aches and creaks his body would make as he went up and down the stairs, and now as an adult, I have noticed my body making those exact same sounds. I guess I owe him a stellar birthday gift this year to make up for it.
“I’m sorry I was such a terrible daughter…”
When Reality Smacks You In The Face
Remember your carefree childhoods that consisted of not having a job or paying bills, spending the summers with your friends, and playing outside? Well, when you reach a certain age, adulting greets you by punching you in the face.
You work eight hours every weekday, and when the reprieve of the weekend finally shows up, you either remember all the chores you have to do or you’re too tired to do anything. Ah yes, this must be what they call the “American dream.”
A DoorDash Of Disappointment
In order to keep up with millennials, the world of commerce has had to go digital. This includes our shopping habits and how we purchase food. But, some of us have had to learn the hard way that sometimes our online purchases come with a side order of disappointment.
This hungry Redditor was excited to chow down until they received this as a delivery confirmation photo.
Things Aren’t Made Quite Like They Used To Be
Our parents' generation was bestowed with electronics and products that were so incredibly well built they’ll probably end up outliving both of us. But not millennials, we’re saddled with cheaply made crap that breaks just by you looking at it.
New iPhone? The battery will fail in a year. New sweater from your favorite store? The seam is starting to tear after a few washes. But your mom’s old dishwasher? It’s built like a tank and still works as great as the day she bought it.
Celebrating Anniversaries
For those of us who found ourselves a loving significant other, take your regular millennial adulting struggles and multiply them by two.
Whether navigating an early Tinder-match relationship, figuring out how to equally share the bed, or learning how to put the phone down and focus on each other at dinner, each anniversary is a reminder that you haven’t murdered each other yet.
Job Interviews
It’s not just homeownership and paying for an education that’s gotten harder, but also the job market. In today’s competitive market, any millennial knows that you have to send out dozens of job applications before even scoring one interview. So when one finally does come by, it’s not surprising that we get pretty excited about it.
But this Redditor patiently waited over an hour to be interviewed, and if that’s not a red flag to run away from a potential employer then I don’t know what is.
Millennial Monopoly
In this frustrating game of life, I think it’s safe to assume that we’ll always lose. But due to memes and repressed memories, at least we can laugh about it.
Here’s a recap of our current round of Monopoly: The world is on fire. Your house is on fire. Oh look, and now you’re on fire.
Canceling My Subscription
After unsuccessfully trying the whole “adulting” thing for several years, I can now enthusiastically say that I’m not a fan and want to forever cancel my subscription.
I’m ready to go back to juice boxes, blankies, and naptime. Oh, and not paying taxes (I’ll need that money to purchase more juice boxes).
