Holidays With Your In-Laws: A Survival Guide
Hallmark gets pretty much everything right in their movies—the holiday cheer, two lovers coming together for the magic of Christmas, and a little dog that gets its forever family. The only thing they seem to always leave out is the person slowly losing their minds as they rock on their heels in the corner because their in-laws are in town for the holidays and said their stuffing recipe was "mediocre."
If you or a loved one has ever experienced IDTVCOTIL (Insanity Due To Visiting Christmas Or Thanksgiving In-Laws) then you may be eligible to receive the knowledge that we're about to impart on you. Here's how to survive holidays with the in-laws, because honestly, how are you really going to do it otherwise?
Breathe So Hard You Give Yourself An Asthma Attack
Whether you're visiting their home or they're visiting yours, the holidays are a fight of endurance to see who can last the longest in uncharted waters. You've got to fight kid, so don't let your nerves overwhelm you and send you to bed with a headache that you know is only going to give your in-laws ammunition before the battle's even begun.
All you need to do is set aside 20-30 minutes of abdominal breathing per-day and it activates something called a "relaxation response" in our bodies that reduces anxiety and stress. Boom, you're ready to dish out mash and compliment your mother-in-law's brooch almost sincerely.
Just Do The Weird Tradition Now And Repress It Later
So, even though you're all grown-ups, your partner's mom insists that they and all their siblings wear matching footie pajamas and pose for holiday photos in front of the Christmas tree holding their baby photos, as is tradition. Is it weird? Undoubtedly so. But you're fixing your partner's hair in reindeer pajamas like the good holiday guest you are anyway.
Just go along with their bizarre traditions because it'll just be easier that way. All you really need to do is book a lengthy therapy session after and just repress it until then. Problem solved.
Literally Just Shut Up And Let Them "Help"
If you've got the holidays down to a science before you get married, get ready for your entire game plan to be set on fire and drop-kicked out the window the minute that ring is on your finger and your in-laws are at the door. Your mother-in-law has been talking about her "world-famous" peach gelatin salad for days now and you're understandably concerned. How can it even be world-famous?
Even though you don't want their "help" and you definitely don't need it, "helping" makes people feel like they're part of the gang. So ask for her to bring that salad because this is psychological warfare.
Expect Nothing. Actually Less Than.
If you're walking into family dinners with Hallmark movie plots playing in your head about love and togetherness and are expecting a big, warm welcome, absolutely just stop it. Make your expectations for your partner's family scrape the bottom of the barrel because that way you won't get your hopes up and you can't be disappointed.
So toughen up. If your father-in-law repeatedly calls you by the wrong name, go ahead and update your birth certificate. Mother-in-law says you've gained weight? Eat everything, screw it, this is a lawless land.
Don't Share Anything Personal At All. Ever.
Whether you like it or not, your in-laws love to sit around and talk about you behind your back and like 15% of it is somewhat okay things to say about a person. For example, saying your insurance agent job "suits you" is mildly passive-aggressive and generally a weird thing to say, but at least it wasn't calling you a waste of space. That was last year.
So don't give them any personal information and instead keep directing the conversation back to them and their adorable new beagle. Oh, where do I work? I forget, say how was cycling class on Tuesday?
I'm Rubber, You're Glue, And When This Is Over I'm Writing A Facebook Post About You
Do you know what politicians do? They deflect when anything the slightest bit controversial gets tied to their name. Since you're running for best son/daughter-in-law of all time, the minute anyone criticizes something you do, just deflect that comment and change the subject.
Sure, this isn't what a confrontational warrior would do, but you don't want to start a fight that would ruin the holiday. Because "ruining the holiday" is bad and you can never live it down for as long as you live.
Rally The Allies
So your partner has been living in the crazy soup that is their in-law relations for their entire life and we have to acknowledge this. Because of this, they may be suffering from Stockholm syndrome and are unable to process how weird it is that their father makes them sing to the turkey before they carve it. That's just a part of life.
So rally your allies, and by allies, I mean the family dog. Your partner should have your back after the fact, but during the holidays you shouldn't try and drive a wedge between them and their family. After is fine though.
Grab A Witness, I Mean A Friend
So you probably feel isolated, alone, and spiraling in a tunnel of alienation and silence with dried cranberry sauce stuck in your hair during the holiday because nobody has your back. So call a friend you know will be on your side to give you validation during your time of need.
They're there to document all the transgressions your in-laws pulled against you, tag in your partner for a complaining ear, and above all else be able to provide you with a witness statement about how you were provoked to any action that may or may not be happening.
Be The Flake. Be The Flakiest Freaking Flake
What do malicious in-laws love more than messing with you over the holiday season? Getting to do it 24/7 for unending days! The only way to stop them from asserting their domain over you the entirety of your stay and absolutely ruining your mood and giving you a full head of grey hair... start flaking. Like bad dandruff.
Set time limits on your interactions, aka say they can't stay all week because "work called you in" or you can't hang out in front of the TV because you have to "practice solo improv theater in the park." You're going to keep yourself sane.
Get Professional Help If You're Professionally Done
There's literally nothing wrong with talking out your worries, anxieties, and white-hot undying rage about your in-laws with your therapist. It's actually really good for you to productively let you work through these things instead of clamping down on them forever.
If you do this, maybe they can give you tangible steps and tips to help you deal with the waves of never-ending bull that your in-laws are absolutely dishing out to you. That, or just being a friendly ear.
If You're Caught In The Middle Of Two Sets Of Parents
You're gearing up for the holidays and so are your in-laws... and your parents. Don't forget that both sets of your parents are here and ready to throw down for the illustrious title of hosting the gang on Christmas day. So what do you do besides feel a raging hurricane of emotions inside yourself?
Try spreading the holiday out. If you're really in it for all the gooey togetherness like they say in the Hallmark movies, go ahead and pitch celebrating Christmas two times over the month instead of trying to cram it all within 24 hours. They'll say no because it's coming from you, but give them time and they'll turn around.
Muscle Your Way Into The Kitchen, Soldier
If you're a cook and you think your casserole is better than any new kid on the block who dares to affront you with their meager attempts at layered pyrex delicacies, show you stuff. Keep on pushing to either bring food or help out in the kitchen because you belong there too.
This can be especially hard if you're dealing with a steadfast captain of a mother-in-law who insists on being head-chef of the affair. But don't worry, she's got to sleep sometime and then you can make your dish. Right?
Absolutely Stomp Them With Your Kindness
Politeness goes a long way when it's an expert technique you're deploying to completely sicken your in-laws with your picture-perfect behavior. Because deep down we all love to hear "please" and "thank you," but they get real, old real fast if you overuse them and have been actually known to drive people crazy. I don't actually know that, but I feel like it's true.
So be your sweetest most annoying self because what are they going to do? Complain about how polite you are? It really is a perfect crime.
Let The Turncoat (Spouse) Go
Holidays are a time of sharing, caring, insurmountable betrayals of trust when your spouse ditches you for spending time watching Wheel of Fortune with their mother, and delicious food. Breathe in and breathe out because it's bound to happen and you have to learn to share your spouse.
You've got to remember that your spouse is also going home to see their parents after not seeing them for forever, so of course, they're going to want to spend time with them. You're an understanding person so you're going to let this transgress be... for now.
Win The Entire Game With Your Undying Love And Devotion
Listen, it's not a competition who loves your spouse the most...but to be honest it kind of is and you should be winning it. So literally bathe that person in love and affection in front of your in-laws because it just gives them one less thing to question about your relationship.
When your significant other burns the turkey completely black, you slice that puppy wide open and chew with every fiber of your being while smiling and saying "mmmm delicious" on an endless loop like a deranged person.
Find Little Ways To Gain Ground About Religous Things
Even though all the holidays of December have become one big marketing ploy by businesses to get us to spend all of our rent money on children's toys that squeeze slime out of their ears, some people still want to make it about faith. And that's fine, it's just hard to navigate.
If your in-laws are more of the "put the Christ back in Christmas" variety while you're more into playing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" on repeat for two hours straight, you're probably going to have to compromise at some point. Maybe next year probably.
Paste That Smile On And Participate Gosh Darn It
If you're out here being the best freaking daughter/son-in-law that the entire history of the universe has ever seen, then you're going to have to peel yourself off the couch and out of your depressive funk. That means drinking eggnog, smiling at people, and asking questions like "how are you" at regular time intervals. I know, it's hard.
So break out those puzzles, family-friendly holiday DVDs, and Christmas crackers and go absolutely buck wild with the Christmas spirit because nobody is detecting any weakness from you this holiday season.
You Can't Please Everyone Because Most People Legitimately Suck
If your normally excellent and on-point jokes are missing over the holidays and your attempts at rounding the gang up for a festive game of Parcheesi are falling flat, you just have to accept that you're in a no-win situation and you're probably going to fail.
So zero in on the one barely acceptable person in the group, which is probably going to be the great grandfather who's asleep 90% of the time, and try to please him with your jokes he probably can't hear. It's a game plan that'll get you through the holiday.
