Not To Compare Us, I’m On Another Level: The Best “We Are Not The Same” Tweets
Life, relationships, and dating are not a competition, but it kind of is. Despite our best efforts to avoid comparing ourselves to others, we still do it all the same. It's petty as heck, but we love to know that we're doing better than someone else.
Sometimes, you've just got to look at someone in a similar situation and realize, you two are just not the same.
I Love My Duvet More Than Dancing
If you love going hard at the club every Saturday night, that's fine. However, you will catch me in bed, bundled, and ready to sleep at 10:30 pm while you're still pre-gaming for the club.
The Reason She's Emotionally Unavailable
Did my ex write this text? Dr. Anderson probably has an inch-thick file worth of notes on my ex, and she is so sick of hearing the name "Zach" during our sessions.
Boy, You'll Never Win Over The BFF
I've had a guy try to get my best friend to hangout with him more over me. Please sir, I literally have changed her basic bodily function—you can't change our friendship.
Rob Men 2020
It doesn't matter if you're sending yourself money from his venmo or stealing all of his attention and affection: all that matters is you're taking something. Disclaimer: I am not actually encouraging theft—this is a joke.
I Really Do Miss His Dog :(
The worst thing about breakups are that you can't talk to your ex's mom anymore and you never get to see their dog again. Linda and Daisy, if you read this, I miss you!
Taylor Swift Was Ahead Of The Curve
Taylor Swift jumped in on this trend in 2009 when she dropped "You Belong With Me" and we only came onto it 10 years later. She truly is an innovator and an inspiration.
Ladies! Protect Your Serums!
Men only want one thing and it's disgusting: to sneak into your bathroom while you're not paying attention and use your expensive skincare products to make up for the fact they only wash their face with shampoo.
I Wish I Could Get 'I Love You Beautiful'
The most romantic thing a man has ever texted me is that it was "nice to see that I didn't drool on his pillow the night before" and "what you up to later ;)".
Cries In Relatable
I'll listen to all my friends talk about the guys who have asked them out on dates to restaurants and museums, and it's like, oh I've just been asked to come over and hangout only to find out he's trying to cheat on his girlfriend.
...And You Can Bet We Woohoo All The Time
You're typing and hitting send into her DMs? Well, I'm out here typing in cheat codes to get more Sim money so that I can build her dream home before drowning our Sim children in the pool.
PBS Ran Thanks To Viewers Like Me
You were out there in the wild watching Suite Life? Well, I was learning how to put together a proper diss from the sass queen herself, Dora Winifred (D.W.) Read!
Take THAT!
Oh, so you have a healthy way of managing your feelings and are overall pretty stable and self-aware when it comes to your mental and emotional state? Couldn't be me.
My Name Is Carved Into His Leather Seats
He might be in your DMs at the moment, but I definitely just broke up with him because he is a literal filth bag who thinks he can get away with cheating. Alexa, play "Before He Cheats".
This Is The Only Drunk Texting I Want To See
Why would you even text your ex when you could instead send positive and grateful DMs to celebrities and public figures who have been an inspiration in your personal development?
If You Didn't Love Him At "Change My Mind", You Don't Deserve Him At "Watermelon Sugar"
You like Harry Styles now? Where we you when we were crying because he was dating Kendall Jenner? Where we you during the Up All Night Tour? Did you read After?
Good Luck, Sis
You're dreaming of a future with him because you haven't seen what a manipulative and psychopathic monster he is. I am still emotionally traumatized by our relationship. You're not on my level, but you will be!
We Cannot Be In The Same Study Group
I shudder to remember my college days during which people would be complaining about how hard it would be to maintain their 4.0 average and I would just be trying to pass.
He's Got The Bread, I'm Eating Stale Crusts
Listen, money isn't everything girl. He may not be able to buy you a diamond ring, but he definitely can buy you a meme-based t-shirt on Amazon and same-day ship it with prime.
There Was No Plan A
Seeing him might make you happy, but seeing him reminds me that I haven't gotten my period in six weeks and I've been feeling nauseous every day for the past few weeks.
Tell My Parents I Loved Them When You Pull My Body Parts From The Freezer!
You think he's cute and are shooting your shot on the 'gram. I made the terrible mistake of heading into his apartment after a nice first date and never exiting again.
