Hilarious Work-Life Balance Tweets Because It’s A Freaking Joke
Calling all workaholics without a healthy work-life balance. You disgruntled candle-burners whose bosses love to tell them to take some extra initiative but won't pay for overtime, you're obsessed with your coworkers, and office drama runs your life—these tweets are for you.
You can look at these before falling asleep at your desk, in your cubicle, at the water cooler, or at the lunch meeting where the "assortment of snacks" turned out to just be mini packages of Doritos.
Instead of canceling your plans and working like you normally do, go ahead and cancel because you've got some commiseration tweets to read instead.
Four Minutes For Ravioli? Are You Trying To Starve Me?
You have to get in there at 11 a.m. on the dot to even have a hope of getting your food reheated without waiting. Sure, it's "too early" to eat, but would you rather eat too early, or wait behind Brenda and her five-minute soup at noon?
I'm Personally Offended By Your Offers To "Hang Out" After
Why would we ever want to do social things with our coworkers outside of work? First of all, it's bold to assume I want to do anything except binge-watch New Girl in my pajamas, and second of all, no.
Working From Home Is A Dangerous Game
Everyone who has to work from home some days feels this lady. We just refuse to take a sick day, even if that means keeping a bucket beside our computers and ergonomic mousepads.
In Reality, You're On Slack Furiously Gossiping
"Yeah, boss, don't worry about me, I'm over here just finishing up," I say as I absolutely flame a 12-year-old from across the world in a marathon Tetris tournament. I specifically requested a new keyboard so I could do this faster.
It's All About The Illusion Of Overtime
This is a power move. This is the work equivalent of not double-dipping your tortilla chip into the guac dip. You're just better than everyone else, so make some prolonged eye contact and make them remember that.
I'll Beg For A Half-Day, I Don't Care, I Have No Dignity
Do you know why? It's because your boss is worried that if you knew that you could actually cram all your work in before the afternoon meeting and then leave, then you'd never come.
Two Day Plan > Five Year Plan
The only long-term thinking we're doing is constructing a long and detailed web of lies about exactly how bad this imaginary cough we're going to be having is. It's just so rotten it had to happen on the day of the Maroon 5 concert we were looking forward to.
We Hear You Mouth-Breathers And Snifflers
This man deserved it. If my workplace is going to force me to be somewhere for eight hours a day and around the same people who haven't yet figured out how to do basic tasks like breathing and drinking water quietly, then I have to right to mess with them.
God Help Me If I Have To Smell Microwaved Trout Again
At my old job, I would actually dread Monday mornings because every Friday is fish Friday, and at least one of my coworkers would arrive with their three-day-old bass in a Tupperware to heat up. Doesn't that chip away at your soul a bit?
Just Barely Skating Through Performance Reviews, How About You?
More accurately, I think about thinking about work all the time. I'll be at work, having my morning catch-up with my friends and organizing my podcast-listening schedule for the week, and think, "Huh, I better work soon."
The Kitten Poster That Says "Hang In There"...You Know The One
Do our bosses really think that we're going to look up at that poster and think that the world is somehow all of a sudden better? That the kitten's wide and fearful eyes as it hangs on a tree-branch makes us feel anything except uncomfortable?
This Is A Work Environment I Can Relate To
Overly specific nicknames only happen when you've spent so much time with the same people that you start to go a little insane and notice all their little quirks. So nudge, nudge, HR, there's a simple fix here.
The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side Of The Pension
Whenever someone moves on, gets promoted, or retires, we all do this. There's a split second where our fingers twitch like they want to reach out and grab their arm and cling...just for a moment.
Every Day, I Leave It On The Counter
Oh gosh darn it, you know, I swear I'd leave my head lying around if it wasn't attached to my neck. Some days, I see the sunshine and hear the birds chirping and get it in my silly little head that I'm enjoying the world.
Dress To Unimpress Me, Please
Let him cook. Let this man cook for his actions. How dare he show us all up like this and wear a suit on the sacred once-a-week casual Friday? You always knew you'd never quite be friends with him after that.
Didn't Realize I Was A Babysitter
I'm not sure how factual this is, but honestly, who really cares? These kids might as well be the spawn of Satan because they eat my low-fat yogurt, scream at the top of their lungs, and just microwaved popcorn without cleaning the microwave after.
I'm Clean
If this was your annual test, then there's no doubt in my mind we'd have to announce that the optimism-addiction epidemic is over. We're all on the wagon again and relying on strangely photoshopped motivational posters to drive our spirits straight into the ground.
Impending Loneliness Is In Your Job Description
Working from home means you get real comfortable and used to yourself in ways that are neither healthy nor normal. One day is fine, two days is questionable, but three days in and you're calling your mom asking her why the calluses are so thick on your big toes.
Or Just Don't Go Anywhere
I literally don't have this problem because I'm only ever at the office, the grocery store, or my apartment. Unless my coworkers want to spy on me while I squeeze the baguette loaves at the supermarket...which I don't think will happen.
Feeling, Looking, And Being Undead
This is what this person on Twitter said that they "said," but in reality, we all know that they probably just responded with the generic, "Oh, I didn't have time." Nobody goes full Edgar Allan Poe at 3 p.m. on a Wednesday in the accounting department.
