Jokes About Hallmark Christmas Movies For The Festive Addict In Your Life
Ladies (and gentlemen, probably), the season you have waited for all year is finally here. That's right, it's the time of year where the Hallmark channel is going to play their Lifetime-esque Christmas movies 24/7 until the new year is here!
Those cheesy, festive, hot cocoa-filled films keep us delighted and entertained throughout the holiday season, and no matter how many times your husband makes fun of you for it, you can't deny how much you love them.
Stick To The Script
If there's not at least one character with a Christmas-themed named like Holly or Noelle, and a bunch of festive town events that no small town could ever actually pull off, we don't want to watch it.
It's A Fashion Statement
Seriously what is up with the fashion in these movies?? The man wears the same outfit for the entire 120 minutes but you see the woman in at least five different "winter" coats that would be completely impractical for a real Massachusetts winter.
It's Bound To Happen Eventually
One of these years, you're going to open a flower shop in memory of your dead grandmother and some handsome man from New York City is going to come in to try to convince you to franchise it. You'll fall madly in love and that'll be the end of that.
The Triumphant Return
They always come back to their small town for the first time in 5 years after the passing of a relative and everyone is thrilled to see them, yet when you come home for Christmas, everyone just asked you what you're going to do with a communications degree.
There Are No Laws When You're Into Hallmark Movies
You're legally required to fall in love with any person that you run into between December 1st and 25th, and by 'run into' we mean anyone who you physically bump into while shopping at the local toy store when you're trying to pick out the perfect present for your nephews.
One Is Never Enough
Hallmark Christmas movies are basically the reason binge-watching was created. You tell yourself you're only going to watch one, then suddenly it's 6 hours later and you've watched three different women win national cookie decorating competitions.
What's The Difference, Other Than Murder?
There are shockingly few elements that are actually different between Lifetime and Hallmark movies. Basically, murder and Christmas festivities are the only difference, but the storyline itself is the same.
Businessmen Beware
If you're a man who watches Hallmark movies, the takeaway is that if your girlfriend goes to her hometown at Christmas right after you proposed to her but you have to stay in the big city for a business meeting, you're not going to be engaged once she gets home.
How Could You Not Feel Festive?
It's impossible not to be in a festive spirit while watching a Hallmark movie after you watch the town host a tree lighting festival, participate in a snowman building competition, and have a Christmas cookie baking competition.
Spot The Difference
There's only a slight difference between each one, which is why you sometimes end up 30 minutes into one before you realize that you watched it already, but you're still enjoying it so it doesn't matter.
She Has To Be A Career Woman, And There Must Be A Dog
There is always a dog, so even if you don't like the movies, let that be your motivation. And it's always a cute dog like a golden retriever who belongs to the handsome widower, to really complete the wholesome all-American vibes.
Unrealistic Expectations
Hallmark Christmas movies have taught all of us that we can spontaneously fall in love with a beautiful stranger on the street after one 30-second exchange, and if you're going to try to burst our bubble we don't want to hear it!!
If You're From New York, You Hate Christmas
For some reason Hallmark decided long ago that any character who was from New York (which is pretty much almost all of them) must be heartless and hate Christmas until someone teaches them the true meaning. There's no reason why, that's just how it is.
It's All Becoming Clear
Now that Disney+ is a thing and we're rewatching all those Disney Channel Original Movies we loved as a kid, it's very clear to see that Hallmark movies are just DCOMs with less singing and the same actors we used to watch as a kid just 10-15 years later.
They're All The Same But That's Not The Point
You have to act surprised because there's always a small part of you that thinks maybe this will be the movie where Susan doesn't fall in love and she finds the meaning of Christmas without the help of a man, but then, in the end, she does and everyone is happy.
No Other Movies Matter
Ya sure, you've already watched all of last year's and the two new ones that have premiered so far this holiday season, but why would you watch anything other than Hallmark movies during December? The only acceptable options are other Christmas classics like The Santa Clause or It's A Wonderful Life
Hatred, But Festive
If characters were to simply meet and like each other immediately, the movie would be over before you're even done your popcorn. They have to dislike each other before they see the error of their ways, in the name of Christmas.
Why Fix What Isn't Broken?
Look, there's no denying that there's a formula to Hallmark Christmas movies. They've cracked the code, they know what people want to see, and they mass-produce those movies every year so we can spend all of December on our couch watching them.
The Struggle Is Real
It's so hard to talk about which ones you've seen or haven't seen when someone asks because they all have the word 'Christmas' in the name and you can never remember the name of the actor that was from that show you watched as a kid.
You Can't Fool Us
You talk a lot of trash about how bad Hallmark Christmas movies are, but when it comes down to it, you get sucked in just like every other Hallmark-watching housewife.
