People Share How They Royally Screwed Up Valentine’s Day
"I'm fine," you say as you shove low-fat Chicago deep-dish pizza into your face while watching Making A Murderer alone for the sixth time on February 14th. Let me tell you that you're definitely not fine, but it should spark some joy that literally nobody else is either. Even if they've got a Valentine's Day date.
People took to Reddit to share how they royally screwed the pooch and its owner on the most romantic day of the year. It'll make you feel a metric crap-ton better about spending the day alone because realistically, it clearly could've gone way worse with someone else.
Here Ya Go Babe, Death Roses
Kudos to her for not blitzing the streets and running the heck away from this guy like I would've. I've seen too many serial killer shows on Netflix to give a Tinder date more than an ounce of my trust if they start dropping body-in-the-freezer vibes.
Thank You Period Goblin For Ruining Our Nights Yet Again
Hahahhahaha what a funny cashier that definitely isn't making this person's life a whole lot worse by commenting on the fact that yes, their period is always out here ruining their life. This cashier should do standup comedy.
Honestly...The "Valentime's" Fight Is Worth Ruining A Relationship Over
Regardless of my relationship to a person, whether they're my partner, BFF, or the bank teller who's asking me if my $300 charge at the liquor store on February 13th is fraudulent or not—I'm calling you out if you say "Valentime's." If they don't change then it's worth burning that bridge for.
The Not-So Secret Admirer
This person is lucky their wife is so understanding because I would be on my merry way to start throwing clothes on the lawn if I found this card in the bag. Good on this wife for waiting to hear an explanation and not flying into a blind rage.
*In Gordon Ramsay's Voice:* You Burned The Scallops!
They bloody well burned the scallops and mugged off their girl, the bell-end. Next time before putting on the red or blue chef coat and stepping into the kitchen, they should stare at themselves the mirror and ask if they're going to be an idiot-sandwich today.
Rookie Mistake Mixing Long Islands With Fried Cheese
Every soul on the planet knows that if you're starting off your night with Long Islands, you've just got to cancel all your plans for the night because your body is going to be mailing it in. Hope these two had two bathrooms in their place.
The Perfume That Wanted To Come Out For Valentine's Day Too
She can always pass this off as being super misty-eyed about how romantic and cute Valentine's day is for her. Or like her partner is breaking up with her. She might get a free pity-dessert out of the restaurant for doing that.
This Is Why You Should Never Do Something Crazy Like Try And Please People
I mean...thanks to this guy for trying to be nice, but the last thing I want when I'm single and working a bar full of drunk mushy couples on Valentine's day is a friend-rose to remind me of how my life is going. Not getting one and watching others get them just drives and twists the knife in a little more.
I'm Getting Mixed Signals Here
Oh man, this person clearly doesn't speak couple code. "Don't get me anything" means keep it under $20, "I'm not mad at you" means that you're sleeping on the couch tonight, and "my parents love you" means stop asking about it because you don't want to know the savage stuff they say behind your back.
A Huge Benefit To Apartment Living Is Hearing Your Neighbor's Valentine's Plans Implode
He really couldn't even get her a card two years in a row? You'd think after she undoubtedly popped off on him last year he would've learned. You can lead a horse to the discounted chocolate...
It's The Perfect Day To Ruin The Casual Thing You Have Going
People always tell you to bare it all and confess your feelings on Valentine's day...but read this and realize you shouldn't. Play it cool like I do and suppress literally every warm feel by shoving it deep down into your dead heart.
Always, Always Do The Deed Before Dinner
Yeah, no kidding. If my s/o rolled up with big Italian eggplant parmesan feast and then even tried to touch my thigh after, I think I would just bolt. Or, more realistically, lazily turn over onto my side and moan into the couch cushion.
Omg They Thought It Was A Proposal
Dude...literally never assume it's going to be a proposal. That's the worst assumption you can possibly make. Keep your expectations real low by assuming your s/o is going to end things on V-day like a psychopath. Sure, it'll drive a rift between you guys, but you might end up pleasantly surprised when they don't.
Gee, An Insult Doesn't Put Someone In The Mood??
This person absolutely did not ruin the holiday—their boyfriend did. What kind of a self-destructive person even mentions someone's weight on Valentine's day? Like, are they trying to start a war?
Who Let The Dogs Out To Participate In Taco Tuesday?
If you love cleaning your carpet this is an awesome thing to do with your s/o. I bet this is how Mr. Clean would love to spend his Valentine's day. Everyone else, however...
Delirious Fever Hallucinations Aren't Exactly Bedroom Talk
Okay, but telling your man he's going to rule the world if only he gets those bananas is kind of sweet. So maybe this is one of those cases where you can skip the foreplay and go straight to world domination.
He Did His Coworker A Favor By Ruining Hers
Honestly, if you're with someone that won't give you the barest amount of attention on a day that's really fricking hard for everyone—you need to leave. Good for this woman for leaving when she knew it was time.
The Old "Babe Don't Get Me Anything" Bait And Switch
See? This is another reason not to follow the "don't get me anything" rule because clearly, nobody follows it. Your best bet is to lean on the old gift card or chocolate option so nobody feels weird.
Be With Someone Who Cares As Much As You Do
You'd think he'd clue in at some point during those two hours that there's legitimately zero reason for him to wear his dirty Keds to a nice dinner. You'd think. You know, I think I'm single because I expect people to actually notice these things.
At Least They Ended Up Together...
Congrats on this whole thing working out for better or for worse. You know what they say about panic attacks induced by relationship talks...they really bring people together. Maybe not happily in the moment, but definitely together.
