Singles Roast People In The Dating World, And It’s Definitely Deserved
As a happily single woman who has no real intentions of getting in a relationship anytime soon, I end up being a sounding board for all of my friends who are undergoing the woes of dating — will he text back? Was it weird to do that thing on the first date?—and pretend that I'm deeply sympathetic.
Being on the outside of it all lets you realize that some aspects of dating (and the people wrapped up in them) are just straight-up dumb.
Is He Really Worth The Emotional Stress?
When I find myself in a tough situation, I ask WWMD: what would Meg do? Just because Hot Girl Summer ended doesn't mean that Megan Thee Stallion is okay with you resigning your hot girl energy for a mediocre man.
I'm Truly Worried For Some Of You
After being single and unbothered for a certain period of time, you kind of get culture shock when you hear about the horrendous problems people face out there in the dating world. Like, what is going on?
Judge Not Or Be Judged
People in relationships like to act like there's a problem with you for being single as if their pattern of jumping from relationship to relationship with people who incessantly cheat is healthier. You've got it twisted, sis.
Alexa, Play "Does Your Mother Know" By ABBA
When your mom asks you if you're seeing anyone new, do you feel the need to hide 95% of their personal qualities and can only come up with two positive descriptors? If so, you may need to cut them out of your life.
Is Dating A Mental Impairment?
Sometimes I see couples and I think, wow, they are so good for each other. Other times I wonder if one of them is experiencing early onset dementia due to their relationship choices.
Their Personal Ultimatums Never Last
It goes like this: they meet someone new, they become infatuated, they get hurt, cry, swear they'll change, and then repeat the whole process over again while you roll your eyes.
You Can See The Perks Of The Single Life Clearly
Even if you do, on occasion, start to miss aspects of dating, you're also able to acknowledge and appreciate the benefits of the single life as well (like always getting to choose the movie on Netflix).
You Watch Your Friends Morph Into Different People
Your friend who was an unbendable force to be reckoned with and was ready to destroy any man who even looked at her weirdly in her single life is now this weird, soft version of herself you don't recognize. Couldn't be me.
You're Tired Of Listening To People Delude Themselves
I get it: when you're in the dating game, it's easy to try to grasp at straws and attempt to justify behaviors by looking for "signs". But when you're out of it, you call a spade a spade—he's not interested.
You Wonder How You Ever Had Time For A Relationship In The Past
My weekly schedule is already so hectic when the only person I have to account for is myself, so I cannot imagine having to try to share my life with another human being. It's not for me.
Why Pay For Cable When You Can Get It For Free?
...And unlike how they go to beautiful destinations on the television show, my friends get taken to Chipotle for a chicken burrito bowl (no extra meat though) before being dropped home so he can "chill with the guys".
Somehow, Couples Make Average Things Seem Grosser
Sharing food at dinner? I'll do that with my friends at the drop of a hat. However, it's somehow weirder and grosser when couples do it and act like it's the epitome of love.
You've Learned Your Lessons
You've already had your time in the dating world where you made mistakes, chose the wrong people, and went back to the ones who didn't deserve you. Now you're the wise one looking on in horror as others do the same.
A Single, Omniscient Being
Men will refer to "The Wife" as if she's a mythical demon figure whose only purpose is to prevent them from watching sports, nag them, and online shop. If you're really that miserable, why get married in the first place?
You See Straight Through Couple's Public "Happiness"
Couples will post photos and statuses on social media talking about how their partner is the "love of their life" and the "greatest gift they have" as if they haven't been unfaithful many times and are still in therapy for it.
You've Already Been Around The Block A Few Times
People will say they've met the perfect person for them and then you get to watch them live out the real dating "bases" system and inevitably become bitter about the relationship that never worked out.
People In Relationships Get Jealous About The Weirdest Things
A girl will be losing her mind in envy because her boyfriend just liked another girl's photo on Instagram despite him not responding to the text she sent five minutes ago and it turns out the girl is his cousin.
You Just Have To Let Your Friends Be Fools In Love
It doesn't matter that they've been burned by the same person over and over again, no piece of advice can stop them from sprinting back into the arms of their ex while you watch on in pity.
However, You Get To See People Find Themselves Again
While you might have to watch in horror as your closest friends go through hell with a controlling, manipulative significant other, you also get to see them come out stronger and single on the other side.
And Alas, Despite Everything, You Might Fall Into the Same Trap
I give the most amazing advice to my friends in the dating world when I am a single person, but that doesn't mean I won't also become a total fool again the second I redownload Bumble.
