Terrible Life Hacks For Anyone Looking To Ruin Their Life (More)
Don't take advice just because it comes from a color-coordinated Pinterest board. I know it's tempting to think that squeezing a toothpaste tube from the bottom will make transform your life, but you're still going to be chaotic no matter what. I'm sorry, but someone had to say it.
These life hacks will actually work in changing your life—just not for the better. These are elite crafts only for those so completely at rock bottom that the only way to go is left, towards your glue-gun.
I Like My Milk Without Pulp, Thanks
Your milk won't expire ever again with this hack, though you might have to get used to milk pulp, a horrible smell, and a constant case of an upset stomach. Not having to check a label is kind of worth it though...
People Will Definitely Come To Your Backyard After Seeing Your Grill
Your uncle (who wasn't really related to you) always seemed to have one of these at the yearly cookouts that he hosted down by the river in the public park. Good memories.
Stay Shady (More Than You Already Are)
This man is bringing style with him wherever he goes and not caring what anyone thinks of him. That umbrella is tall, proud, and slinging sun rays off of his UV ray–conscious body, and I've never been prouder of a human really willing to go there for a handsfree life hack.
#MealPrepGoals
Next time you see an Instagram baddie post a photo of her "meal prepping," you just go ahead and send her this photo and put her to shame. Meal prepping? Try liquid prepping.
Use Cigarettes In Case You Run Out Of Chanukah Candles
Not only does this limit you down to one cigarette per day if you're trying to quit, but it also adds some holiday cheer to your household in a terrible and stinky way. Just saying, in case you want to ruin the holidays.
You'll Always Nose Where Your Keys Are When You're Drunk
The nose truly nose the most. Even though I'm not super sure how you're going to get into your apartment without causing yourself a lot of pain, at least you can safely say that you didn't lose your keys. You might lose your nose, though...
Remove Your Ice Tray For Endless Ice
Hotels are great primarily because you can keep filling up your ice bucket in your room however many times you want. Take some of that Motel 6 glamor home with you by turning your fridge into a personal endless ice machine.
Duct Tape + Cozy = Spill Safe Beer
Is this the busted cupholder that your mom wishes you'd never invented? Absolutely. But are you going to make a mess of your room spilling your cozied beer everywhere? No—you're not an animal.
Snack And Sleep By Using A Twix As A Pillow On Public Transit
Everyone tells you to buy those $20 airport neck pillows if you're in a pinch, but they're so unwilling to mention the ultimate support item—the max Twix bar. Sure, your neck will hate you, but your stomach will be thrilled.
This One Is Decent Until You Imagine Peeling...
Just imagine peeling this styrofoam off of the individual blocks of ice just to put three inside of your iced coffee. Is that worth it? It's up to you and however much time you want to invest in your Frappy drink.
Spaghetti Covered In Marinara? Throw It In The Rinse Cycle
An unexpected bonus of this life hack is that if you think you've undercooked your spaghetti, you can just throw it in the washer for 20 minutes on the hot cycle.
Get Your Shoe Polished And Your Leg Eaten For Free
You may only have to sacrifice your leg to get a free shoe shine, but I'm pretty sure the type of person who's trying to shine their sneaker doesn't really care about losing a limb.
No Passenger Seat? No Problem, Dude
This man had the not-so-great idea to say "no thanks" to automobile safety and replace his passenger seat with a literal gym folding chair. This reminds me of my high school gym seating during assembly, and somehow that doesn't make me feel safer.
Loafers. That's It.
You could say that these loafers are full of flour power. You could also say that they look grain-t. Maybe I'm biased, but I think these jokes are hilarious and I have a baker's dozen of them if you want to hear more.
Cut Your Tennis Balls In Half And Save Space!
Sure, you may not be able to use the tennis balls afterward, and you may not see the point in doing this...but if you're truly trying to Marie Kondo your life, then this is where it starts.
Emo Kids, Rejoice In This Earpod Holder
Not only are emo kids able to get into their houses with their house keys, but they're also going to be able to bump music on public transportation without losing their cords. But let's be honest, they're reaching for those giant over-ear headphones anyway.
If You Can't See Calories, They Don't Exist
This is how I lose weight. All you have to do is "lose" the calories you're ingesting by not looking at them. It makes sense, right? Out of sight, out of mind, out of my guilty conscience.
"How To Prevent Awkward Stares In Public Restrooms"
I understand the paranoia about being watched through the stall door...but don't you think that you're going to get more stares draping some nasty toilet paper over the door? I'm just saying.
You Still Won't Be The Weirdest Person In The Bathroom
Yeah, this will definitely cover up your bodily functions. Unfortunately, it'll also get the ambulance, the manager, and the police called on you as well to investigate the screams of bloody murder in the Target bathroom.
Lay Down The Law On Vain Cops
This is how you outsmart the law. Sure, they probably won't be fooled, but on the off chance that their depth perception and their motion tracking isn't so good, then you might get away with it.
