Thanksgiving Tweets To Help You Cope When Your Family Gets Political Over Stuffing
Ah, the holidays. The time of peace, love, family togetherness, and casually dodging your aunt's constant questions about why you won't accept her Instagram request. Just keep enjoying the merlot and telling her you never got the notification.
These tweets are for anyone and everyone who's stressed out on another level about what baggage everyone is bringing to the table this year. Ideally, we all just enjoy the mashed potatoes in silence, but we all know that's not going to happen, so you might as well have some quality tweets to take the edge off your holiday pain. You will need it. Trust me.
Nothing Says Family Like Group Impoundment
This is almost as chaotic as it gets. They were probably enjoying a nice Thanksgiving for once when the Uncle didn't bring up his messy divorce. Too bad every single car got towed and drama came anyway.
The Four Horsemen Of The Holidays
Oh, I'm sorry. Did you not realize that all self-control officially takes a break over Thanksliving? Things like moderation or respecting yourself and the people around you just kind of flies away into the wind. Bye-bye.
If Your Family Never Outright Asked You Personal Questions At The Table, You Never Had Thanksgiving
Thank God for those family members asking the questions that you literally shouldn't be asking, otherwise, we'd never know anything about ourselves! You know what Uncle Dave, I never even considered it until you mentioned it, but maybe I am done with the male species.
Chrissy's Here For The Thirst And The Thirst Only
It's none of my business who's thirsting after who, but if you're tweeting about it, then me, Chrissy Teigen, and the entirety of Twitter are going to bathe in your family drama. The soapy suds of your personal issues feel really great lathered on our skin.
The Real Holiday Treat Is Loneliness
Going home for the holidays necessitates another holiday away from home. I need to come down from the stressful feelings built up explaining to my relatives why yes, I've gotten fatter, and no, I'm not seeing anyone. Still.
Because Nobody Should Suffer Alone
This is really just community service because if most of us are hating our lives over delicious food, then everyone should. That's the kind of equality that makes this world a beautiful place. Xoxo.
Good To Know We're All Here To Freak Aunt Carol Out
Pretty sure this is the mantra that every relative of mine repeats in the mirror before we all meet for dinner. I walk into these things with a list of shady Facebook posts cousin Andy has contributed to the world that Aunt Melissa is ready to go into battle for her right to bring up at inappropriate times.
Grandma Is In This To Prove Something
We can't say no to grandma and we really can't say no to slow-roasted stuffing. Will we die in the process? Maybe. Is that a risk we're willing to take? Of course.
Everyone's Fav Relative
The family dog really holds it down and brings the good energy during the holidays. They're the only one not still complaining about not being invited to a wedding in 2007, and we are more than thankful for that.
We're All Questioning Why We Even Bothered Showering
Thanksgiving is probably the nicest you've looked in a solid three months and now that someone's pointed it out you're going to have to do some serious soul searching and reprioritizing about why that is. Why.
Don't? Talk To? Me?
This is probably how you look the second your mom turns the volume on the TV down and everyone kind of turns towards you. Don't even hesitate. The second you feel their eyes on you just put on your sunglasses and pretend to be asleep.
Nobody Really Cares You're Gluten-Free Now, Just Saying
She's asking you to show you that she heard you the first 100 times you mentioned you were doing keto, but does she care? No. Does she even know what keto is? Absolutely not, but you better compliment her after she makes you eat a serving of stuffing.
Technically Chewing Is "Pacing Yourself"
When people tell you to "slow down" at Thanksgiving, clearly they're not aware that breathing in between swallows technically counts as not eating for a second. I'm sorry, were they not aware that this is the first good meal you've had in months? That's so rude of them.
Put Some!! Respect!! On Thanksgiving's Name!!
If someone thinks that Thanksgiving is an appropriate time to start hanging up Christmas lights and decorating the tree, then they need to learn a little patience and self-restraint. Just relax and enjoy the pumpkin flavoring.
The Thanksgiving Ritual—I Mean Tradition
This tweet goes out in memory of that piece of dark turkey meat that you claimed and you definitely looked your sister in the eye when you did so, but you went to the bathroom and when you came back she was eating it. That was pretty traumatic, you should bring that up and battle her for it.
But Hypothetically Though
This would be the least offensive thing that could happen at the table probably. A somehow alive and hip with the current dance moves turkey is less-alarming than some of the talking points Grandpa wants to mention.
Just Some Needed Time
He's got it somewhere, hold on, it's in the computer room, right next to the wifi router, underneath that stack of bank papers, yeah next to the printer, in the top drawer with the letter opener, yeah, there it is. No wait that's the life insurance plan number, hold on.
Cuffing Season: Decoded
God can only hope she's not a vegan and her family is one of the ones that likes to cook for it. More power to the ones that go on runs or cycling marathons, but that doesn't match the energy that we want for the holidays.
From Monster To Pie? Iconic
Some of the people you see over Thanksgiving break could take a page from the pumpkin's book. Your friend Brad who's middle management at a neon green Toyota Echo dealership who won't stop bragging about his kid's soccer goal from August? Be the pumpkin Brad, the pumpkin.
For Apple Pie Loyalists
First of all, dairy, second of all, wrong. Pumpkin pie is delicious and a seasonal treat and the apple pie people should just let sleeping dogs lie because pumpkin pie has only a month to shine, okay?
