Tweets About Casual Hookups That Are All Too Relatable
I may be single, but that doesn't mean I'm not mingling. Casual hookups are a way to get your needs met without getting tangled up in the mess of a relationship. While casual hookups and one night stands can be a fun way to spend your time while single, there are things about them that are just part of the experience.
Here are tweets that perfectly encapsulate what it's like to be single and casually hooking up before you get ready to settle down.
It's Not Like In The Movies
Movies always make one night stands seem like extremely passionate, hot encounters when in reality, they're just an awkward cab ride, sleeping in a dude's bed that's not half as comfortable as yours, and leaving before they wake up.
Things Can Get Weird Fast
Just about every person I know has a hookup story during which their partner made a weird comment or action and they just had to roll with it while thinking WTF????? in their head.
Your Criteria For Sexual Partners Has Changed
If you've been in the single game for a while, you start to think of weird reasons as to why you'd want to hook up with someone that could be different from your typical dating criteria.
Don't Worry, I'm Using You :)
I don't know why so many men do this, but they'll assume that I want more than just a hookup. Sir, I've seen the way your kitchen looks—I do not want to date you.
I Would Like To See My Stats
I actually think that it would be pretty cool if my bed would prepare a printed and bound annual report like the ones that companies have so I can compare my stats year to year.
"I Have Skincare Products" Is A Pickup Line
Here's the thing: I've ruined my perfect skin so many times by hooking up with a Brad on a Saturday night and just let my makeup marinate on my face as I slept in unwashed sheets. Boys, get me the good from Sephora.
Looks Are All That Matter!
He has an IQ of 14? I don't care. I actually kind of like to hook up with guys who have a severe personality trait that I could never emotionally overcome so that I'll never catch feelings. Come over here you hot dummy!
Without Feelings, The Nitty Gritty Reality Of The Naked Tango Sets In
When I'm in love with a dude, getting naked with him seems like such an ethereal experience. Take the feelings away and I'm literally meme-ing in my head during foreplay.
Your Perception Of STDs Has Radically Changed
When I was a teenager, I really thought that an STD was the worst thing that could happen to a person. Now that me and my girls have taken many trips to the clinic, they just seem like catching an ear infection.
You Die A Hero Or Live Long Enough To See Yourself Become The Villain
I used to be repulsed by guys who slept around with no regard for people's feelings. Now I'm realizing that I would make an excellent frat boy and be somehow even worse, oops!
Stay In Your Lane, Uber Driver
Listen, Mr. Uber Driver: I'm paying for your service to drive me, not for you to question my life choices. My clothes will be taken off in minutes anyway and now I'm giving you a 1-star rating.
Facebook Memes Turned Me Into The Woman I Am Today
I have to thank the memes that were shared widely across social media about hooking up that helped to subconsciously shape me into a woman who likes to control her own life and is okay with hookup culture.
The Dry Spells Are Dry Though
Anyone who says that single people are more promiscuous are big, fat liars! When you're in a relationship, you have someone you know you're steadily going to see naked. When you're dating casually, you can go months without being touched.
I Have Needs!
Boy, you thought you could cancel on me? I'm already at your house with shaved legs and my cute bra on underneath my hoodie. Open this door before I murder you.
I Buy That Pregnancy Test In Fear, Not Hope!
The funny thing about being an adult is that 50% of your friends are buying pregnancy tests with a gleam in their eye and hope for nine months down the road and the other 50% are in a state of terror.
Boy, I Know More About Your Stroke Game Than You
There's nothing like finally meeting the guy that my friend has been talking about in the group chat for the past month and having to make conversation as if I don't know that he has a foot fetish!
PSA: Do Not Swipe While Thirsty
When you've been in a dry spell for long enough, any guy on Tinder can start to look like he might do you right. Do not swipe right without consulting a friend first.
I've Received About 1983470 Identical Texts In My Lifetime
While I don't always approve of their methods, I really have to respect men's brazen attempts to get you to come over. Their tact might need some work, but their confidence and dedication is admirable.
See You Guys In A Few Years!
Honestly, I'm a better member of society for putting off the emotional trauma that I would probably inflict onto a man if I dated him and instead hooking up with hotter friends.
Sometimes, Magic Really Does Come Out Of It
Just when you think you've mastered the art of hooking up with no strings attached, you'll meet someone who catches you off-guard and accidentally (but wonderfully) takes you out of the casual hookup lifestyle forever.
