Tweets About Office Christmas Parties To Laugh At While You’re Hungover And Unemployed
November and December mean one thing—office holiday parties you have to mentally prepare for. It takes more effort to convince yourself not to get blackout drunk and start yelling about politics at the company event than you have to put in actually shopping for Christmas presents. Just think about that long and inevitable HR meeting the next day and repress, repress, repress.
Here are some people on Twitter who completely understand how absolutely chaotic these work holidays are. These will ring true if you ever walked into work the next day with sunglasses on and the promise to yourself to book the boardroom for a 3 pm nap.
Someone Mention Politics Please, I Feel Like Fighting
Fighting over politics is a great way to get out all the anger you've built up towards your coworker over the entire year over the guise of being "politically engaged." Are you? No. You just want a socially appropriate reason to fight.
"How You Feeling Today?" Means You Blacked Out
You can tell a lot about how next level you got based on how friendly everyone is to you the next day. If people treat you normally, you were a fine level of drunk. But if you're getting firm pats on the back and some people inquiring about how you're feeling this lovely morning, you can bet you had your shirt unbuttoned and you were singing Abba at one point.
All Of Our Talking Points Are Wildly Inappropriate
You know this struggle if you find yourself beside Doug from accounting sipping whiskey sours at the open bar. You don't really know Doug despite working together for a year, but he seems okay. Better break the ice with some light small talk about childhood trauma.
Are These Festive Wreaths The Reason I Didn't Get A Raise?
So this is nice, all of these decorations, the chocolate fondue, the unlimited champagne, the little ice sculpture in the corner of our logo, so nice. Cost $20,000 to throw this all together? Sweet. So did you take this right out of my potential salary or?
For One Night I'll Forget That You Mess With The Thermostat
We all put our differences aside for "Living On A Prayer" even though they are many and we will no doubt send a chain of angry Slack messages tomorrow about them just like every day. But for now, we link arms and proclaim we are halfway therrrrreeeee ohhHH...
A Man Singing Acoustic Wonderwall Is Neither A "Surprise" Nor A "Gift"
What a perfect surprise for the type of person who a) hates money and b) hates their ears. Is this the same CEO from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation because this is way too much of a coincidence.
A Fair Judgment
If you felt confident enough to share this during the office party, you better also feel confident enough to die on this hill. For the rest of the month, your nickname is going to be "RaeRae" and all your coworkers are going to sign off their emails to you with "call me maybe." Just warning you.
"Who's Got A Job Tomorrow?" Is A Fun Game We All Play
For this game all you need is 20+ players, one dealer, copious amounts of alcohol, some kind of an interesting decoration that can be easily climbed on and or wrecked, and some strong opinions.
You're Bonded For Life If You Both Vomit In The Bathroom During The Xmas Party
I don't make the rules—if you make it out of the party without seriously jeopardizing your career mobility then you've made it out of the war. Your other coworker, however, deserves a purple heart because they drunkenly ranted about how your boss smells bad and is undoubtedly getting fired today.
Live Tweet All The Controversial Stuff Your Coworkers Say
Holiday parties mean that for a moment you get a peek into the true thoughts and feelings of your coworkers and you better be telling your Twitter followers about it, ya hear? The moment you hear the sentence "the earth is fl...." you better be pulling your phone out and get typing for the people.
Freelancing Just Means More Jello Shots For You
A huge bonus of freelancing is you get to embarrass yourself as much as you want at the work party. Go buck wild you crazy dog. Just make sure your webcam is turned off as you prepare to take that shotski by yourself.
Can We All Just Pretend I Brought A Plus-One? Okay?
This is the single most stressful part of the holiday office party season. Like okay, thank you for bringing more attention to the fact I'm alone and that I need to end this spiraling loneliness. Let me just quickly go on every dating site and try to find someone who's ideally not an ex-con to pretend to be my significant other for the night.
Gourmet Translates To "Free" In English
The flavors are just so much better, so good in fact that you're going to order 15 more of them, complain loudly if they're not quite up to snuff, and then walk away from the table with grace and style as you say "put it on the company tab."
Watercooler Gossip Has Moved To The Wine Station
If one of your work besties can't make the occasion you better be looking out for their honor by listening for anyone gossiping about them even if it's innocuous. Make sure you blow it out of proportion too to make tomorrow interesting for you as you watch your friend snap at a coworker who called them a "character" last night.
Put Those $2 Candy Canes On The Company Card I'm Not Made Of Money
It's called reimbursement Sharon, look it up. There's no such thing as supplying food, drink, and decor for a bunch of people I barely tolerate on the daily for free. No matter how cheap, that stuff's getting marked up.
The Only Incentive To Come In Really
In an ideal universe you can get all that free food, drink, and entertainment all from the comfort of your own couch. It's a tough compromise coming in to work, but you'll tough it out if only for that free fruit tray you see in your future.
Yeah Okay, We're All "Sick" The Day After
Can we all just collectively agree to hold these things on the weekend or at least the day before an office holiday? Let's stop this vicious charade of pretending we're all capable of showing up at 9 am the next day after you drank beer out of Dave from systems management's boot last night. The lies have to stop.
Remember, Nobody Will Actually Care About How You Looked Tonight
Yeah, whatever dress code they say on the invite is only a suggestion. Don't buy into all that retail hubbub about "office party outfits"—nobody gives a crap if you wear a t-shirt or a two-piece suit. We've all seen you sick at your desk in your Northern Reflections duck shirt on a Wednesday morning. No amount of bedazzling is going to fool us tonight.
Budding Office Romance? Not If Open Bar Has Anything To Say About It
This is par for the course for office parties. A birdie would be if she was able to swallow that mouthful and only get it on her chin. But a double-bogey would be if she spits it right back into their face and then proceeded to get into a loud verbal argument about politics with them.
Did You Really Have Fun If You Don't Need Chemical Encouragement The Day After?
Everyone's sporting the Advil, Dayquil, Adderall, and whatever other chemical energy and painkillers they need at their desks to get through the next day. No judgment here. A half-full bottle of Robitussin is just the mark of a soldier.
