Breakups Are Harder When You Never Officially Dated. Here’s Why
There are regular breakups, which occur at the end of relationships, and then there are the ones that happen when you aren't even technically together in the first place.
It's not quite a relationship, but it's not not one. You see each other all the time and go on dates. You share your most intimate thoughts with each other, whether it's a conversation while walking through the streets or whispered words at two in the morning from pillow to pillow. You feel yourself weaving this person into the fabric of your life almost seamlessly, and you expect things to go further...
...But They Don't.
Before you're even able to detect it, things start to change. Your dynamic isn't as lighthearted and easy as it was just days before. Things seem to fall apart faster than you can keep up with, and you can feel the precious thing you shared slipping from your grasp like a fistful of sand sifting through your fingers.
Then, despite your best efforts, it's gone, and you're left feeling confused, empty, and sad about things in a way that's different than any breakup before. The worst part is that you're not sure why, but there are actually many reasons you might feel this way.
You Feel Stupid For Even Feeling This Way
You tell yourself that you were never actually together; the lack of definition makes you feel foolish about having these negative feelings in the first place. It's much easier to stir up feelings of insecurity in yourself in a situation like this because you start to wonder what you even meant to your not-quite-significant other—how did they think of you? Were you always just a temporary fling to them?
You can't quite describe it as a breakup, and when you bring up the situation with friends, they say things like, "But you weren't really even together!"
Slowly, you feel like your almost-relationship wasn't real enough to even mourn, and, in the end, you invalidate your own feelings and experience around your heartbreak.
In Traditional Relationships, There's A Clear Structure
In most "official" relationships, there is a clear beginning, middle, and end. You agree that you're committed to each other at the start before seeing how things go from there. If it doesn't work out, you call it quits.
When going through a breakup, there generally is a lead-up to it that you can feel; often, you can anticipate the "we need to talk" conversation from a mile away. Almost all official relationships end with a clear breakup discussion between partners that concludes with the agreement to part ways. It hurts, but at least you know exactly where you stand.
There's No Closure In A Situation Like This
In contrast, almost-relationships don't have such a clear ending—instead, there's just a period of drifting where you're not quite sure where you stand with the other person until, suddenly, you're just not together-ish anymore. You're caught wondering how things got to that point, and you wish you could have some answers.
However, unlike during a breakup from an "official relationship," it feels almost absurd to ask the other person for closure—because what exactly do you even need closure from? Things between you and the other person still feel unfinished, but you're left confused about the whole ordeal rather than ever receiving answers.
The Lack Of Definition Leaves Much To Ponder
After all is said and done, you're left in this weird liminal space trying to navigate through heartbreak over a person you never even quite had. Despite the state of things, you maintain this sense that things could have worked out under different circumstances.
You end up fixating on the past, wondering what actions could have led to a better outcome. What if you had just been a little less clingy and called less frequently? Did you overshare some information too early? You spend nights lying awake and painfully dissecting every interaction and moment between the two of you over and over again.
You Can't Identify The Turning Point
Unlike in normal relationships, you never really reached a point where you felt things going south between you and your almost-partner. When looking back on a traditional relationship, it's easy to distinguish the good times from the bad ones—to distinguish the honeymoon and glory days from the barriers you couldn't cross and the compromises that couldn't be made.
In an almost-relationship, you never get to see the whole thing play out: you're only left with a half-attempt at what could have been and the half-ending of you two slowly drifting away from each other. There’s still a "what if" attached—the torturous feeling that shared feelings could rekindle and lead to an actual relationship someday.
You've Lost More Than Just That Person
Most of all, you’re mourning the hope you harbored for a relationship that you never quite got. It's harder to call it quits on your idea of the future and the time you invested in it than a relationship that has run its course. Compared to the end of a regular relationship, the "almost" ones leave you more devastated than ever as you hold onto the frail hope that there is still a chance for a better outcome someday.
It's Hard To Accept The End When You've Heard So Many Stories With Happier Endings
You grow up watching romantic comedies where the guy realizes he's made a mistake and comes running back (often in a dramatic airport scene). In similar situations, you find yourself wishing on 11:11 and shooting stars that the same fantasy could come true for you, too. Instead, the person you had wanted moves on to date someone else. Real life doesn't deliver the same sweet, clear conclusions you want to believe in.
You're Allowed To Be Sad About It
Don't beat yourself up about it. It's okay to grieve what you had (or never quite had) with someone, despite what anyone might say. You can grieve a version of your future life that you'll never achieve.
However, you should take comfort in knowing your actual future will one day be better than the one you concocted for you and that one person—because it will be real.
I Mean, That's Easier Said Than Done, Though
It would be great to think that it was easy to just pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and then seamlessly move on to something that's more fruitful, but that's just not the case. Unfortunately, it is a little harder to convince your heart to follow the direction on your head.
However, if you are looking to get over an "almost-relationship," these are some things you can try to accelerate the process.
Try Not To Romanticize The Interactions You Had
When you never get to really date someone and truly get to know their ins and outs, it is a little too easy to romanticize the bits and pieces you do have of them. You don't have any catastrophic fights or tough moments to reflect on, so it's easy to put rose-colored glasses on them in hindsight.
In reality, the person probably was a lot more flawed and difficult to be with than you remember.
Start Dating Again
You don't have to go out into the world searching for something serious, but by playing the field a bit and going on dates, you can help remind yourself that there are other options out there and that, down the line, you'll find someone who will be a better match for you than the person you're hung up on right now.
Give Yourself Closure
As much as you might crave closure from the other person, the truth is that you're never going to get it—you're never going to quite know how things would have worked out, and you're never going to know why they didn't.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to reflect on what you had, appreciate the experience, and decide to close that chapter of your life. Only then can you open yourself up to future opportunities.
