Can You Actually Fix A Toxic Relationship Or Is It Doomed?
We've all heard the relationship advice that you can't expect someone to change for you or that you can't expect a toxic relationship to fix itself, and while that's true, it might not be the whole truth.
Your relationship isn't going to magically get better overnight because you've thought about it enough times, but there are ways that you're able to turn around a relationship that isn't working for you—if you're willing to put in the effort.
Knowing When It's Worth It
One thing that is important for you to do before deciding to fight to fix your relationship is to determine if it's actually worth fighting for. There are differences between a bad relationship that needs some TLC and a relationship that is beyond repair.
Toxic Traits, Or Obstacles To Overcome?
Everyone deals with issues within their relationship, that's inevitable. What's important is realizing the difference between something you can work through with a conscious effort from both people in the relationship versus something that you shouldn't tolerate.
Any Form Of Abuse Falls Into the Toxic Category
Whether it's emotional, physical, or mental abuse, behaviors like that are very hard to work through in a relationship. If you're stuck with someone who promises they're going to change or throws around apologies after every bad thing thinking it'll absolve them of their crimes, it's hard to see how that's going to get better.
What Else Would We Say Are Potentially "Toxic" Behaviors?
Honesty is important in a relationship, and you need to be with someone who values your opinions, who validates your feelings, and who allows you to speak your mind. Many people who are in or have been in toxic relationships have dealt with feeling like they're walking on eggshells around their partner because they're not sure how they'll react at any given moment.
Your Needs Aren't Being Met
If you look at your relationship and can't confidently say that all your needs are being met, why are you in the relationship? At the very least, you should be able to see that even if your needs were ignored in the past (whether unintentionally or intentionally), your partner is now trying to do better or trying to give what you need because you made them aware of it.
You're Isolated From Your Friends & Family
Your romantic partner should not be the only core relationship you have in your life. A major sign of a toxic relationship is one person being isolated from their friends and family, often slowly over time, until they're left with only their partner to depend on.
Dishonesty
Dishonesty in a relationship is usually a pretty big sign of trouble. Your partner might be the person who tells little lies (or big lies) even when it seems he has no reason to, or maybe you feel the need to tell lies about where you're going or who you're with because you know your boyfriend will get upset.
So Can You Fix It?
Unfortunately for you, the answer to this question is both yes and no. There are very few relationships that you could rule out as completely unfixable, but the crucial part of the desire is how you go about "fixing" it.
The Desire To Change Is The Key
The most important part of fixing a toxic or bad relationship is that both of you have to want to change. If you're simply going to wait around, hoping and praying that something is going to change without being proactive about it, nothing is going to happen.
You Both Have To Be Fully Invested
Both people in the relationship have to want to save the relationship, and they should be fully committed to doing so. Think about why you were attracted to them in the first place, where you want your relationship to go, and why you even want to save what you currently have.
Don't Get Distracted By The Potential
While it's good to look back on why you were first interested in someone, you also can't let your judgment be clouded by someone's potential. You can have big dreams for someone else or want to push them towards all these great things you think they could become, but unless they see that for themselves and want that, you're going to be left disappointed and maybe a little resentful.
Accept Your Own Faults
Part of fixing your relationship is going to be accepting your own role in the partnership. Look at the aspects of the relationship that you have control over, your own behaviors, and really think about what you're doing that is helping versus hurting the situation.
Focus On Understanding, Not On Placing Blame
As you work to accept your own faults or role in the relationship, it would be easy to slip into a situation where you're looking to place blame on the other person, but who does that help? Focus on understanding where the other person is coming from or what brought you to where you are now instead of just blaming your partner for their bad behavior.
Be Open To An Outsider's Opinion
Depending on the couple, you might even be interested in seeking a little advice or insight from an outsider. And no, I don't mean you should bring your best friend in to referee arguments or add her two cents. I'm talking actual professional help from a therapist, whether you go as individuals or together.
Make Your Boundaries Clear To One Another
When it comes to a breakdown in a relationship, communication is often at the root of your problems. You have to be able to effectively tell your partner what you need from them and be open to them sharing the same. Establish clear boundaries with each other so you're able to respect and understand one another.
Try Taking Some Time Apart
Absence can sometimes make the heart grow fonder, and it can certainly provide clarity to someone. Taking some time away from each other so both of you can figure out what you want from the relationship can be really beneficial before you move forward, together or apart.
Leave The Past Where It Belongs: In The Past
If you're going to fight for your relationship, you both have to be willing to leave the past behind. You're agreeing to look at your issues, find a solution to them, and then move forward. Neither of you can be holding onto old grudges, resentments, or unresolved emotions if you want to make it work.
Continue To Choose Each Other
Every day, you both need to be ready to choose your own happiness, to choose your partner, and to choose your relationship. Find hobbies you both enjoy, resolve to always leave your work problems at the office, and make sure you're waking up every day ready to move forward with each other.
Unfortunately, Though, Not Every Relationship Can Be Saved
Something you have to be prepared for, even though it's no fun to hear, is that even after you put in the work, it still might be the wrong relationship for you. Relationships take work, yes, but they also shouldn't be difficult. If it feels like all you're doing is struggling to make your relationship work or fighting to make it better, maybe it's not the right one for you.
There's No Guaranteed Solution
Just as with most matters of the heart, there is never going to be a clear solution or formula you follow to cure all of your relationship woes. Every situation is different, but if you're willing to put in the time and effort, you might be able to heal your relationship.
