Closure Isn’t A Real Thing—Here’s Why You Should Stop Looking For It
When we break up with someone, one of our immediate thoughts is that getting closure would help us move on. Then that becomes something that we chase, or we tell ourselves that if we find it, we will be able to move on.
Sadly, that's just not the case. Closure is as made-up as soul mates and happily ever afters. It's a great idea in theory, but so rarely works out in the real world.
What Does Closure Even Mean, Anyway?
What do we mean when we talk about closure? Basically, closure is whatever you think that you need to be able to move on.
They're questions you feel you need to ask or things you think you need to explain. By doing so, you're going to be able to reach some kind of resolution that makes moving on easy.
Why Do We Want It So Badly?
Why is it that humans need closure so badly? Most people need things to make sense, and even though someone leaving you to see someone else, for example, may seem pretty obvious, there are still so many questions that run through our minds. How come we weren't good enough? What do they have that we don't?
These questions get even more intense and abstract depending on the reason you broke up with someone and especially when you've been ghosted. It may be a bit of a letdown to hear, but in the end, "closure" isn't going to help.
Time Is Going To Heal More Than Talking To Your Ex Will
The key to getting over anything is allowing yourself the time to work through it. You might think that talking with your ex would speed up the process because you will have your answers.
Chances are, if you give yourself enough time to process things, you will likely be able to come up with a lot of the answers yourself. That, or you'll stop thinking you need them.
Sorry, But You're Not Owed Closure
It's important to remember that no matter how much you think you are, you're not owed closure from anyone, especially if you were the one who did something to end the relationship like cheating.
You can only ever control half of a relationship, no matter what state it is in. No one owes you closure, as terrible as that may feel. We all have different ways of moving on.
Sometimes You Just Don't Want To Know
Ask yourself: do you really want to know why your relationship ended? It might seem like you're in limbo if the break up came out of the blue, and answers will help, but will they?
There are times when it might be better not to know. Would you really want to hear why your recent ex thought someone was worth leaving you for? Do you really want to know why someone got tired of your relationship? Sometimes, it's just better to make peace with the answers you have instead of looking for answers that are going to hurt you more.
How Do You Even Know That They're Telling You The Truth?
Even if you do get your ex to sit down with you and talk about the end of your relationship, how can you be sure that they're telling the truth?
It could end up just being a case of your ex telling you what they think you need to hear to leave them alone. It's harsh and tough to think about, but also often true.
The Longer You Dwell, The Longer It Will Take For You To Move On
You can't rush moving on. It's going to take the time it is going to take, and knowing that will help you.
That being said, if you keep dwelling on your recent breakup and racking your brain for answers, you're going to stop yourself from moving on. You're just going to keep breaking your own heart going over these questions over and over.
Closure Isn't Going To Change The Pain Of The Breakup
Getting closure isn't going to stop the pain of the breakup. We might like to think that having answers to these lingering questions will help us move on, but it won't.
At the end of the day, you're still going to have to deal with the loss of your ex, and closure won't change that.
You Don't Need Anyone's Permission To Move On
When you wait for closure, it's not giving yourself permission to move on. It's like we need this last step to check off the list of things to do before letting a relationship go.
You don't need permission to move on. Maybe the idea of closure is something that you don't even really believe in, but you just feel like you need it because the idea of closure in the dating world has become a big thing.
It's Not About Him Anymore
In the end, waiting for closure is kind of making the breakup about him and not you. Thinking that you need him to move on is wrong.
You've broken up, this isn't about him anymore. You don't need him or his answers to make sense of how you're feeling. You're capable of doing this on your own.
Would It Even Satisfy You?
Even if you were able to sit down with your ex and talk things out, would it really make you feel better? Most of the time, these closure conversations feel forced and kind of one-sided.
If they're difficult or unkind, or even if the conversation goes exactly how you imagined, is it going to make anything better?
You Might End Up With Even More Questions
The truth is, after you have that closure conversation, you might end up with even more questions than you started with.
Maybe they brought up issues in your relationship you thought were fine, or maybe they question your character in a way they have no right doing. The closure conversation is messy, and it might leave you wondering more than you were at the start.
It's Not Going To Convince Him You Should Get Back Together
A reason we might want to have the closure conversation with our ex is that we think or hope that it will convince them that you should get back together.
Having that hope going into the closure talk is going to leave you feeling more let down when it doesn't happen and you see that he's really just over it.
If They Did It, Whatever 'It' Is, They Meant It
If your ex did something to end your relationship, like cheat, lie, or anything else terrible, they meant to do it. We like to think that anyone can make a mistake or that they'll see the error of their ways, but it's not that simple.
People know what they're doing when they do it, and your ex knew that what they did was going to hurt you when they did it.
Accept That What Happened, Happened
The best thing you can do is accept that the breakup has happened and that is the end of it. You might talk with your ex again someday, but you don't need closure to move on.
Take back your power and move on. At the end of the day, you need to accept what's happened, and no one can help you do that.
Give Yourself The Time You Need To Make Peace With It
Don't rush yourself. Healing takes time, and there is no timetable for how long it should take someone to get over their ex.
Be patient with yourself, allow yourself time to grieve, and then give yourself time to work out who you are again. Build back your relationship with yourself.
You Need To Take Your Power Back
It will feel really liberating to leave your ex and past relationship behind you. You're in control of the breakup and how you react to it, so do it in a powerful way.
You don't need anyone to make this better for you—you need to make this better for you.
People Break Up All The Time, It's Part Of Life
Breakups are just a part of living life. You're going to date some people, and it's not going to work out, and you might not know why.
Knowing that you're not the only person who has gone through this might help you put the pain in perspective and see that things really will be OK.
Moving On Is Something You Have To Do Anyway, So You Might As Well Start
You have to move on from your relationship anyway, so you might as well start without the closure you think you need from your past relationship.
If you start working on putting yourself together without having that conversation, you'll soon move past that nagging feeling that there is a lot left unsaid. There will be no more questions.
The Best Closure Is The Kind We Give Ourselves
The best thing that we can do for ourselves is to give ourselves closure. We can answer our own questions and make sense of what happened based on our own experiences.
The only closure you need is the closure you're going to give yourself. You'll find what you need in that.
