Why I Think It’s Actually Okay To Ignore The Red Flags
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I'm here to tell you that sometimes when you really like someone, it's okay to stay.
There are more instances than not where you should be able to look past the red flags. I'm not saying you should indulge in a toxic relationship, but a red flag isn't always a dealbreaker. Bear with me as I lay out my case to you.
Red, Ready
First, we should probably define what even makes a red flag. It's usually something that your partner does that indicates a lack of respect, integrity, or interest in the relationship, like jealousy or a lack of communication.
There is a long list of possible red flags, but it's basically anything that makes you uncomfortable or doesn't mesh with you.
Yellow, Set
Maybe you didn't know this, but then there are also yellow flags. They're basically less serious red flags or potential red flags.
They're not immediate dealbreakers because they can just be a misunderstanding or at least something that can be worked on.
Green, Go
Then there are the green flags, which, just with like traffic lights, mean the coast is clear for smooth sailing.
The green flags indicate good qualities and a healthy foundation for the relationship. They predict that you'll be able to handle conflict and stresses well. As you've noticed, these flags are all predictions of behaviors that haven't happened yet.
Why Are Boxing Ourselves In?
Our whole daily lives are based on boxes of what we need to get done in a day and how to do it. Maybe it's because we're already conditioned to live that way that we bring this way of thinking into our relationships as well.
However, by evaluating someone's potential for us through these flags, we end up limiting both ourselves and them.
We Forgot About Gray
None of the previously mentioned flag colors take into account all the gray areas in between. Just like no person or situation is black and white, no behavior can be red, yellow, or green either.
Instead, we need to take each issue and treat it on a case-by-case basis. Did they mean it? Will they repeat it? Why did they do it? Those questions all make the gray area.
Someone Will Always Have An Opinion
Most of these red flags are agreed upon universally. For example, everyone would agree that cheating is a red flag or a deal-breaker. Yet, some people still choose to forgive and give their partner another chance and the relationship succeeds.
If we were to do or not do something just because someone else thinks it's best, we're not likely to do what is best for us.
There's Always An Exception
There's always that one exception to the rule. Life itself is too unpredictable to be able to say that a person's actions will reflect the entire relationship you'll have with them.
Just because someone didn't have friends and that turned out to be a red flag, it doesn't mean that someone else without friends would make a bad partner.
We Miss Out On Opportunities
We're not perfect—we're actually deeply flawed, and that's just the reality. If we were to walk from every person who showed signs of a red flag, we might as well just move into a cave because there would be no one left.
We tend to leave too early at the sight of a red flag instead of taking a chance on someone who will be constantly changing and evolving—someone who could surprise us.
We Keep Trying To Change Each Other
It's okay to want to be better and to want the best for ourselves, but this has a limit. We keep dating people based on their potential and get frustrated at them when they're not changing fast enough to meet it.
Instead, we could be accepting people for who they are, good and bad, and changing alongside them.
We're Never Satifised With What We Have
We're always expecting the relationship to grow, to get better, and to make it to the next milestone. We're always wanting our partner to give more or to change in some way.
We hold onto the idea of the red flag as our out. We look for the flags before we've even had a chance to enjoy what we have. Often, this is how we self-sabotage.
We're Constantly Living In The Future
We're always chasing more and wondering what's next, as if the next thing will always be better. We bring the same mentality to our relationship. We keep waiting for the "right" person and dismissing great people over red flags.
We forgot how to compromise or get to know people outside of our realm of "green flags."
We Stop Taking Risks
Red flags have not only become reasons to stop talking to some people, but reasons we don't start talking to others in the first place. We're afraid we'll fall for the wrong person, so we don't give anyone a chance.
We don't want to risk getting hurt, so we pass on people who might have been good for us.
We Grow With Every Passing Minute
Let's say you do notice some red flags with someone—this doesn't mean that that person is now defined and limited by them. I mean, people are capable of change and growth, and we're constantly changing anyway with each passing moment.
Rather than walking away, there's space where you could talk to them about it and work with them to turn the red into green.
We Give Too Much Weight To The Words Of Our Friends And Family
Although some red flags are agreed upon almost universally, many are actually relative. It depends on trust, communication, comfort, environment, etc.
Just because your friends keep warning you that your man has a lot of female friends, that doesn't mean you actually need to worry if you trust them. You're the one in the relationship, not them.
You Have Your Own "Red Flags"
It's not like you and I don't also come with our fair share of red flags. I can be impulsive and even irrational at times. I often spiral. This doesn't make me any less worthy of love, and it doesn't mean I'm not working on it.
Just like I expect someone to love me regardless and work with me, I need to do the same.
Our Standards And Expectations Will Change
Realistically, the standards, needs, and expectations you have for a partner now aren't the same ones you had before your last ex, or even just last year. Your situation has changed, you've grown, and you've learned. Along with that, your red flags have also changed.
Just like you regretted not seeing a red flag in a past relationship, you don't want to also regret thinking something is a red flag that wasn't.
We Need To Stop Chasing Ideals
There's no such thing as the "ideal" relationship. They're hard work from beginning to end, but they're also rewarding.
Rather than chasing someone who meets the ideal from the start, it might be worth taking a chance on someone who's willing to always better themselves but who acknowledges that'll never truly be perfect.
"Red Flag" And "Toxic" Aren't Synonyms
Toxic behavior can be based on red flags, but red flags aren't always toxic. They're not one and the same.
You should definitely always leave someone who is toxic, but you can take a chance on someone who shows some red flags. It depends on how their red flags affect you and if they can be worked on.
Patience Is A Virtue
The thing with red flags is they're not set in stone. People aren't born with them and don't have to die with them either. Sometimes, you just need to be patient with someone, to give them the time to realize the impact of their behavior and figure out how to change it.
It's okay to set a limit for how long you're willing to wait, however.
Proceed With Caution
I'm still reasonable, and I will never advocate for someone to stay in an unhealthy relationship. I have to acknowledge that some red flags are non-negotiable, and if you do ignore or miss them, you risk getting hurt. All I'm saying is that we shouldn't assume everything is a red flag and always take it as a dealbreaker.
People can work on their flags, and if you don't give them the chance to, you might be the one who misses out.
