Relationship Behaviors That Hurt You More Than They Help You
When you're in a relationship that you want to work out, or if you think that you have found your person, you're willing to do what you can to make it last. You want to make your partner happy and make your relationship last, but sometimes there are things you're doing to sabotage your relationship without even realizing it.
If you're finding yourself in a string of failed relationships, it's time to consider some of the behaviors you could be doing that are working against you.
Only Thinking About The Potential In Someone
You want to push your partner to be the best version of themselves that they can be, but that potential person also can't be the only reason you stay with them. You're in a relationship with the person they are now, not the person they might become.
Using The Relationship As Leverage
You shouldn't be using your relationship as leverage during an argument or threatening the status because you're upset about something. The possibility of you ending the relationship shouldn't be looming over every conflict.
You're "Guarding" Your Heart
There's a difference between being cautious at the beginning of a relationship versus having a "one foot out the door" mentality all the time. Guarding your heart is one thing, but eventually, you either need to let your partner in or move on from the relationship.
You Use Past Mistakes To Rationalize Future Behavior
For example, if your boyfriend cheats on you but you make the decision to move forward with your relationship, you can't use "but you cheated on me" as an excuse for every irrational behavior that you exhibit. Choosing to stay in the relationship means you have to choose to forgive those mistakes and not hold them against your partner forever.
Still Focusing On "Me" Instead Of "We"
Your relationship isn't the only thing you have to focus on in your life, and your partner isn't expected to be the only person you spend time with, but you should still be thinking of them.
If you're always making decisions based on yourself and not considering your partner, what's the point of being in a relationship?
Disguising Your Jealousy As Love
Jealousy is a natural emotion, and many people feel a little jealous or territorial when it comes to their partner, but be wary of the difference between healthy jealousy and over-protectiveness.
You're Not Confident In Yourself
Everyone has moments of insecurity or times when they don't feel confident in themselves, but your partner can't be solely responsible for managing every insecurity you have. You have to find a way to be confident in yourself, with the occasional moments of weakness or needing reassurance from your partner.
You're Never The First To Apologize
You have to be able to acknowledge that sometimes, even if you were in the right, you need to take the first step and defuse a situation. You shouldn't always be relying on your partner to be the first to fold after a fight or to backtrack on their statement.
Fixing A Problem With Material Solutions
Go ahead and buy her flowers after an argument to apologize, but make sure you're actually apologizing, too. You can't be using something like spontaneous gifts as a reason to avoid the actual problem.
Leaving Every Time There's A Conflict
Taking a moment to cool off or going for a walk to clear your head after an argument is understandable, but leaving the room or the conversation every time you don't like how it's going isn't going to work.
Complaining To Everyone But Your Partner
Everyone talks about their relationship with their friends, especially if they're having issues, but your friends can't be the only person you're talking to. If you're having a problem with your boyfriend, you have to tell him. Complaining to all your coworkers over coffee or constantly texting your best friend about how unhappy you are isn't going to fix it.
Taking Control Of Everything
You cannot be the only driver in your relationship. Your partner is your equal, and while it's natural that one of you may like to take control more often than the other, if you're always the one leading, they'll get tired of being the one that's always following.
Taking The Little Things For Granted
After being in a relationship with someone for a long time, it's easy to fall into the trap of only focusing on the big moments or only valuing your partner with big gestures. The little moments or small things your partner does for you are just as important as the grand romantic gestures.
Falling Into A Routine
After being in a relationship for a while, it's easy to fall into a routine or a comfortable setting, but that can also be dangerous. Routine can quickly become monotonous, which leads to people being bored in their relationship in general.
Keeping Score
The "you did this, so I'm going to do this" mentality isn't a healthy one in a relationship, and it's not going to benefit you. You shouldn't be keeping score over any aspect of your relationship.
Blaming Your Emotions On Your Partner
Not every emotion you have can be blamed on your partner. You have to take responsibility for your feelings and for how you respond to something, regardless of whatever you're responding to.
Dropping Hints
If someone says they've been dropping hints for their partner, there's a good chance that they've also been dropping passive-aggressive comments. It shouldn't come as a surprise to hear that passive-aggressive comments don't actually benefit either of you.
Pushing Boundaries
Pushing your partner to try new experiences or step out of their comfort zone is a great part about being in a relationship, but not if you're pushing them out of the comfort zone and then you continue to push further.
Letting Your Relationship Become Your Identity
Don't be the person who completely loses themselves in their relationship and no longer has an identity outside of couplehood. Make sure that your partner or being in a relationship isn't your defining trait.
Not Being Able To Focus On The Moment
Take a second to slow down and remember to focus on the moments you have with your person. Don't worry about what's coming next, what you should be doing, or what you could be doing. Take the time to focus on the present.
You're Not Open To Feedback
The second that your partner tries to give you feedback, you feel like you're being attacked and you react defensively. Rather than jumping to anger, you should be trying to understand what they're telling you.
Using Words Instead Of Actions
You tell your partner that you really love them or that you want to spend more time with them or that you're not interested in seeing anyone else, but your actions don't match that.
Frequently "Taking Time Apart"
By this, I mean being in the on-again-off-again relationship where you take a few weeks apart from each other to "figure out what you both want" or "see if we're right for each other" or "clear our heads." If you're not in the right relationship, spending time apart is only going to magnify that, and the fluctuation of on-again-off-again isn't going to help in the long run.
You Rely On Your Partner To Always See The Glass Half-Full
If you're a person who tends to see the glass as half-empty, you might be more likely to gravitate towards someone who is the opposite, who always sees the silver lining. The problem is, you can't rely on someone else to always lift your spirits or be the happy one in the relationship. That will take a toll on them, even if neither of you realizes it right away.
Constant Complaints
There's a difference between complaining and giving constructive feedback or trying to point out something you'd like to work on. Nagging your partner or complaining without ever making any changes or addressing the issues isn't going to help anything.
You Turn Elsewhere For Support
Your partner should be the person that you turn to when you need support, but more than that, they should be the person you want to support you. When you need advice or have a bad day, do you call your best friend, or do you look forward to going home to your partner?
You Ignore The Little Problems
You take "pick your battles" to the extreme by only ever discussing the big issues that bother you, and you tell yourself the small stuff isn't worth starting an argument over. That doesn't help, though, because it leaves you upset about something the other person isn't even aware of, and it grows into bigger issues.
Prioritizing Your Phone
In order to really be spending quality time with someone, you have to put the distractions away. Your time together should be valued, and you can't do that if you spend all your time together staring at your phone, talking to other people, or looking at what others are doing on social media.
Letting Jealously Control You
Jealousy in a relationship can stem from a lot of different issues, whether that be insecurity, fear of betrayal, or lack of trust—almost all of which have more to do with you than with your partner.
You Have A Superiority Complex
It's important to know your worth and know what you should or shouldn't tolerate, but there's a fine line between knowing you're valuable and thinking you're better than others. You shouldn't be approaching your relationship as if you're better than your partner or doing them a favor by being with them.
