So They Cheated On You, Now What?
The worst happened, or at least you suspect that it did. Your mind is racing. You want to understand why, but you're also too hurt and angry to care. Do you stay or do you go?
There is a lot to consider, but here's where to start.
Stay Calm Or Scream
Honestly, there is no right way to process the news of someone you love completely betraying you. If your first instinct is to scream or cry your eyes out, you have every right. Just hold yourself back from doing it in front of them.
You want to remain calm in their presence so that you can understand what happened and say your piece instead of yelling, blaming, or freaking out, which would only worsen the situation.
Don't Jump To Conclusions
Before you jump to accusations, make sure that you have grounds to actually believe they're cheating on you. Don't assume based on them coming home late.
If you're not sure, ask them. Explain your suspicions and evaluate if their answers make sense and are genuine.
Write Down All That You Noticed
You don't just wake up one day and think your partner's cheating. You might have some trust issues but usually, it's a build-up of a few factors that create doubt. This doubt then makes you alert, so you begin to pick up on inconsistencies and weird behavior.
Write it all down so you can gauge what's in your head and what is actually happening. It also helps to put your thoughts down on paper rather than letting them consume you.
Be Mindful Of How You Investigate
Having suspicions doesn't necessarily give you the right to invade their privacy. Feel free to pay more attention to how they use their phone, but don't just pick it up and snoop through it.
Feel free to ask them more questions or check in more often, but don't harass them or text their friends to confirm their story.
Figure Out How You Want To Confront Them
You could ambush them, but then they would just get defensive and deny or deflect. Instead, maybe write them a letter, or give them advance notice that you want to sit them down and have an important conversation.
Figure out how you want to tell them you found out, and make them understand how it makes you feel.
Ask Them Why
You're obviously wondering it, so go ahead and ask. You deserve the closure rather than beating yourself up going through every possible reason. Don't expect to be satisfied with the answer they give you. It'll never fully make sense.
This, however, will also allow you to understand if there's a point in trying to mend anything.
Address Your Logistical Needs
Make sure that you have a safe and comforting space to stay if you need to remove yourself from the situation while you figure out the next steps.
If you share pets or children, work out a quick arrangement where one keeps them until the two of you decide if you're staying together, etc.
Remind Yourself That It's Not Your Fault
There is nothing that you could've done differently to prevent this. It's easy to think maybe if you had nagged less or put on makeup more often that maybe they wouldn't have felt the need to go to someone else.
All that doesn't matter because the fact of the matter is that they had a commitment towards you and they didn't respect it.
Take An Honest Look At Your Relationship
Before you make any decisions about what you'd like to happen moving forward, look back at the relationship. Not the beginning of it, but the most recent part of it.
Ask yourself if you were just settling and getting comfortable, if it was becoming one-sided, if the same issues were arising over and over again with no resolution in sight, or if this was truly a one-off mistake that could be forgiven.
Remove Yourself From The Situation
Even if every inch of you is telling you that you're sure you want to work through this right now, don't listen to it just yet. You need time apart so that you can access your true feelings.
Every time you see the cheater beside you, you'll trigger any feelings of anger, sadness, or blind hope that you haven't had time to work through. The decision you make in the heat of the moment doesn't actually reflect any unprocessed feelings.
Don't Waste Time On Revenge
Two wrongs don't make a right. If you try to get even, you'll only hurt yourself. This will delay your healing process, and once it's done, you'll realize that it was nothing but a temporary relief.
Getting even won't fix anything or make them understand how you feel.
A Rebound Is Just A Band-Aid
You might feel like all you need is attention and affection from someone new. You think this will prove to you that there are other, better people out there.
However, until you're actually ready and have taken the time to move on, you won't be able to build a healthy foundation and might even end up hurting them instead.
Take Care Of Yourself
You won't always feel like this. In fact, the way you feel right when you find out is the worst of it. Until you get to the other side, however, you need to put yourself first. You can only cry in bed for so many days.
Then, ask your friends to take you out, order take-out, do some yoga, go for a run, paint or dance your heart out. Find out what distracts you and sends you back some endorphins.
You're Not The Exception
You are not the first person to get cheated on, and you certainly won't be the last. This means that there's no point in internalizing this and letting it affect your self-esteem.
You are more than enough, and getting cheated on is no reflection of that.
Don't Listen To Your Surroundings
Your friends' and family's first instinct is going to be to get angry for you and badmouth the cheater, and rightfully so. However, they're also there to support whatever decision you decide is best for you.
So ignore all the insults they have for them for a second so you can figure out what it is that YOU want to feel and do.
Accept What Happened For What It Is
There is no point denying it or pretending it didn't happen. You're human, so this is naturally going to affect your ability to trust. Don't make excuses for them, either—they're in the wrong and not entitled to forgiveness.
Make sure that you don't just get caught up in hoping that things will get better just because they said that it would.
Be Ready To Leave
If it comes down to it, find the courage to walk up and go. You're strong enough to start over, and you deserve someone's full loyalty and commitment.
Pack your bags, and have a friend help you walk out if you need to. Don't rely on hope. You deserve to be happy now, not someday in the future when things change.
Get Off Social Media
You'll want to cave in and stalk your partner online to see all of the signs you missed, as well as to see the person they're cheating to try and understand the appeal. This will not give you the answers you're looking for. It will only send you down a spiral of self-doubt, anger, and confusion.
Take away the temptation altogether by blocking your account for a bit.
Evaluate Their Apology
Are they really sorry, or are they just sorry they got caught? Is this a pattern they've been on before? Do they have any intention of changing, and how do they plan on doing that?
Make sure they're not just telling you what you want to hear to get the situation over with.
It's Often Not Worth It
If you're looking for some sign within this article that you should forgive them and move forward, then you might be fooling yourself. More often than not, it's better to walk out and start over than to waste time and risk repeating the pattern.
They say "once a cheater, always a cheater." If this is the right person for you, give them the time to change and the chance to prove it to you during a period of time where you're not back together yet.
