Telltale Warning Signs That You’re Actually His Side Chick
Dating these days is a whole soup of confusion with extra salt and messy relationship titles added for flavoring. But the worst is if you're dedicating all your time, energy, and money out of your paycheck to a guy who you think is your boyfriend, but in reality, he's just seeing you on the side.
Luckily, there are ways to tell if you're the side chick before you have to go and put on a trenchcoat and do a good old fashioned stakeout. Whether you two decided to be exclusive or not doesn't matter, being the side chick is a big, fat no if he leads you on to think you are more.
He Never Stays The Night
This man has an alarm set for 1:55 am and he's got his shoes on and is out the door at 2:03 am. Even though you were in the middle of things and really looking forward to waking up with him, he's gone somewhere into the night before you can even say "Uber X."
If he's never spending the night, you can almost bet he's got a girlfriend at home and she's expecting him back at some point. So don't even give him your Uber discount code because he's not worth it.
You Guys Watch A Lot Of Netflix. Like, A Lot.
Plans always seem to revolve around that 10 pm-11 pm sweet spot where he sends you a text like, "hey you want to come over and chill?" This basically means that you're staying in his apartment all night watching whatever Hallmark movie you accidentally press on Netflix while you two get it on.
If you haven't seen him in the sunshine then he's probably got another lady in his life that he's spending the daylight hours with.
It's Always A Mon-Fri Meet Up
If you've never seen this man on the weekend then you can pretty much bet that he's in a committed relationship... just not with you. That Monday through Friday nighttime slot is the only time he can see you because it's the only one he can convince his girlfriend that he's "out with coworkers."
Weekends are for trips, brunch, and sleeping in past noon, and if you're not doing all of that because he's always "out of town," chances are he's got a girlfriend.
He's Always Already Eaten, Even If You're Going Out For Brunch
A good sign that he's got a girlfriend is if every time you two go out for a bite to eat he's weirdly not hungry. Like, he knew you were hitting that all-you-can-eat taco place downtown yet he still showed up full? Not only is that downright stupid but it's also highly suspicious.
If he's constantly full, it probably means he's eating at home or out with another girl before he's seeing you. Which is probably the worst thing for his bank account, but hey, who said guys who have side chicks were smart?
You Can Literally Never Get A Straight Answer From Him
Even the most basic questions like, "how was work yesterday?" get you nowhere except for a shrug and a change of subject. He weirdly isn't big on sharing his life, but it's gotten to the point where you feel like you're overstepping just by asking him about his day.
If he's so mysterious you're debating on buying him a trenchcoat for his birthday then he's probably got a hidden life he's not telling you about.
You Didn't Get The Invite To The Birthday
You're not five-years-old so not getting an invite to a birthday party doesn't always mean a lot... but the after does matter. There's a popular little thing called birthday loving, so if you're not getting the text to come over, then he's spending the night with someone else.
He's either got a main squeeze that he's been bringing around his friends and family and taking home later, or he's gotten so drunk off free bday shots that he can't type in his phone. I guess hope for the latter, but realistically, expect the former.
You're Not 100% Sure What He Does For Work
Part of what we do to protect our personal lives from people we don't really want knowing a lot about us (our side chicks) is that we give vague answers to pretty concrete questions. Sure, you know where he lives, but when you ask him what he does he says he "works in media in the East end."
You're keeping it vague enough that if things take a turn for the worse (you find out you're the side) then you can't show up at his work and embarrass him. You definitely should try though.
Right When You're Moving On He Hits You With The "Wya" Text
Guys with side chicks know that to keep the game going, you need to keep stringing the girl along. That means a constant cycle of flirting, texting, and hanging out, and then ghosting you because his girlfriend was starting to get suspicious. But right when you're beginning to get over him, he pops back into your life again.
If you feel like you're stuck in a cycle where you feel like he likes you a lot before he randomly is bored by you, then he's got somebody else. They're probably feeling the same stuff you are too.
He'll Never Show You His Phone
Even though he's constantly checking it when you two are together and even has it on full volume notifications just in case someone (his girlfriend) calls, he'll never let you see his phone. If you two are hanging out, you're looking at funny cat memes on your phone while his is safely tucked away out of your reach.
Why? His girlfriend is not only saved as "Babe" in his phone, but she loves to text and call. He's living in constant fear that you're going to see a message she's sent, so you better not use his to order an Uber.
You've Never Met His Friends
Normal couples go out together and meet each other's friends. That's half the point of being together—you get a whole group of friends who already kinda sorta like you. But if it's always a one-on-one moment between you two that's kind of cute, it might also be a sign he could be hiding you from his friends just in case they go tattle to his girlfriend.
This is also the case if you've only met his absolute best-friend since diapers, his bestest life long friend Kyle. Kyle's not going to gossip, so his secret is safe.
Major Family Event? You Don't Get An Invite
Normally, for big things like weddings, bat mitzvahs, or family BBQs that he's attending, the plus-one invite goes to the girlfriend. And you're the girlfriend... right? Well, if there's been a bunch of events that you've heard about only after, then that spot might be going to someone else.
This is especially true during summer events and during the winter holidays because these are more real than an invite to St. Patrick's Day with his brother Kevin. Even though his brother Kevin is great, this isn't a dig at him.
You Feel Like He's Done These Things Before
If he weirdly knows all the right date spots and where to go to do this special thing, then he's probably done it all before. But with his girlfriend. So if you're feeling like he's just taking you to a bookstore because he somehow knows its got a cute little basement with string lights where he can read you poetry and woo you, he's more than likely been reading Thomas Frost there to her for years.
So if everything is weirdly too perfect, chances are it's because he's been there and done that so many times with his girlfriend that having a good time is like clockwork to him.
He's Very Anti-PDA
When you're walking he's against hand-holding, he won't really hug you or touch you, and when you lean in for a kiss he always turns it into a side hug. If out in public his preferred method of touching you is via high-fives and back slaps but indoors he's very intimate, he could be trying to keep you under wraps.
PDA is a great way to kind of announce to the world you guys are very much together, and if he's avoiding it he might be afraid that someone he doesn't want to will see.
You're Never Featured On His Insta Feed
If you've never made an appearance on any of his social media, then he probably doesn't want anyone to find out about you two. Sure he posts Instagram stories of you, but you can make it so certain people (his girlfriend) can't see it.
If you've never got the mention right in between that selfie he took in Bermuda and the picture of tacos he made, then you're probably the side chick—especially if he's a frequent poster. Social media official is a real thing... as much as we really wish it wasn't.
There's Always A Time Limit
The minute he sits down and says hi, he lets you know that he's going to have to cap your fun at two hours. Even though you cleared a whole day to see your "boyfriend" he's got a thing to do somewhere with someone and you should be grateful he's scheduling you into his Google calendar at all.
Normal couples want to spend as much time as possible together and aren't always looking for reasons to cut it short. So if this is happening constantly, he's probably got a girlfriend he's got to get back to.
What's Your Birthday Again? It's Not On Facebook
If he's absolutely terrible about remembering anything about you even though you've told him you're a Capricorn about a hundred times, then you're dealing with a dude who's got too many females he's leading on to remember any important details. Are you the one with the mom in LA?
His real girlfriend has filled the memory files in his brain completely and he's not sure if he can really squeeze any room for you in there, so you're going to have to send him a memo.
He's A Feminist... So You're Paying For Dinner
If your guy is always leaving his wallet at home, short on cash, or just generally only ever down to go and do something on the cheap, then he's probably budgeting according to having more than one woman in his life. Dates get expensive, you know.
His girlfriend at home is probably draining all his petty cash, so you're always the one stuck footing the bill at Chipotle. Take a stand, take his burrito bowl back, and call that man out.
His Idea Of A "Date" Is A Walk Through The Park To The Convenience Store
Not to say that he's cheap, but mostly, he really doesn't know how to plan dates. At all. Even though you told him you were coming over and wanted to have a fun day, he's never really game to do anything exciting or new.
You're either dating the human embodiment of a nap or he's just drained from spending so much time with his girlfriend. They went skydiving during the day, but you get him after when he wants to watch Friends in the dark.
You're Always Waiting For The "Sorry I Can't Make It" Text
Girlfriends require time and energy—you would know, considering that you literally were under the impression that you were one. So you know that if a spontaneous little winter craft festival pops up downtown you're going to make quick spontaneous plans to go to that. Too bad his other girl is too.
If he's always hitting you with that last-minute cancellation, not only is that a rude pattern of behavior, but it also might be because his girlfriend randomly told him she wants to do something. And he can't say no to her...
He Won't Label What You Are (What Are You?)
If you're spending a lot of time searching for answers in your head when your mom asks you about your relationship and you only feel comfortable saying he's your "guy," then that's kind of a problem.
If he gets cold feet about stuff like labels and doesn't really ever want to have a relationship talk even though you've been seeing him for a long time, then he's probably got a girlfriend and feels weird calling you one too. Just tell your mom you're seeing some human trash next time she asks.
He's Made Sure You're Keeping Your Expectations Low
You already know you're not getting flowers for Valentine's Day, so you're not even going to get upset at him when you're proven right and don't receive anything.
He's made sure to never have you put that pressure on him by never doing those kinds of things for you in the first place. This keeps your expectations low from the get-go.
You've Never Actually Seen The Inside Of His Home
You're considering buying him a towel because he's showering at your house every time he comes over, but yet you've never seen the inside of his place. For all you know, he could be the kind of man who lives minimally with nothing but a mattress and one pot.
Or his apartment could be covered in pictures and souvenirs from his relationship with someone else.
He Can Never Commit To Plans On Major Holidays
He never actually says no, but he also leaves you hanging with a "maybe" and "I'll let you know." Yet somehow, when the time comes around for said holiday, he is always M.I.A.
His phone is nowhere near him, and he has a million reasons why he couldn't make it, even though he promises to make it up to you on the next one.
Meaningful Conversations Don't Interest Him
He shuts you down every time you try to inquire about anything more than the Netflix movie you're watching. He won't open up to you about his background, his values, or his family.
He'll blame it on being shy or guarded, but really, he doesn't want to share too much that'll create an attaching bond between the two of you.
He Refuses To Pose For Pictures With You
All you wanted was a cute picture by the big city Christmas tree and he wouldn't even humor you. This isn't the first or the last time. Even when you spontaneously take one yourself, he makes you delete it.
This is because he doesn't want proof of your relationship out there in the world, in case someone else (specifically his main chick) would see it.
You Genuinely Worry That He Has Died Sometimes
You just can't wrap your head around the fact that he disappears for five business days at a time without as much as a message saying he's busy, then reappears like nothing happened.
He Always Seems To Be Available On The Same Day, Same Time
He's managed to make your rendezvous fit in a very specific part of his schedule. This is just another example of how your interactions are always on his terms.
This is likely the time slot that he's managed to find a good cover for when explaining his whereabouts to his main chick.
It Always Feels Like He's One Step Away From Leaving You
He technically can't break up with you because he hasn't bothered to make it official.
That doesn't mean that his constant hot-and-cold behavior and his way of always keeping you at arm's length doesn't constantly make you wonder if today will be the day he decides he's not feeling it anymore.
He Offers No Support On The Bad Days
A meaningful relationship is one that offers support both on the good and the bad days, yet he only expects good days out of you. He doesn't seem to care when you're upset or go out of his way to make you feel better.
Yet when he's having a bad day, he calls you to see if he can Netflix and chill with you to feel better.
You Feel Like Something Is Missing
That something is likely his complete loyalty and devotion. You deserve better than to be with someone who has one foot in and one foot out, no matter the reason, but especially if you're not his main priority.
Rather, make yourself your own main chick, and dump him before he disappears on you again for who knows how long.
