These Things Couples Forget To Discuss Before Marriage Are Why You’re Divorced
You often hear about the reasons why a couple broke up, but it's not often that we talk about the couples that made it all the way down the aisle, with everyone rooting for them, who are now also single.
Just because a relationship seems strong going into a marriage, doesn't mean that it won't end in divorce. Usually, it has something to do with the following issues.
That They Even Want To Marry You Too
"Make sure the person wants to marry you, too. It's shocking, but there are people who think proposals are legitimate surprises, as in it’s never been discussed, and you asking 'will you marry me' isn't a guaranteed 'yes.'" —DangerDamage / Reddit
Some people are content living with their partner forever without the contract. Make sure they don't feel pressured into it.
How Many Kids You'll Have, If Any
"Some people feel a deep yearning to have children and will feel incomplete if they cannot have them, while others are in no way inclined to carry, deliver or care for a child at any stage of their lives and will be filled with resentment and regret if they concede to it." —NuclearCandy / Reddit
It's crucial that you don't go into a marriage hoping your partner changes their mind on this subject eventually or one of you, if not both, will end up miserable.
And How You Want To Raise Them
"Not just whether you want kids, but how you plan to raise them. My fiancée earns nearly twice what I do, but says she wants to be a stay-at-home mom until the youngest is 10–12 years old. Happy to rise to the occasion, but can't say I’m not a little bit nervous about working hard enough to at least maintain our current quality of life." —petethepianist / Reddit
You don't want to be in this person's situation and only find out when the baby is already there.
What If You Want Kids Then Realize You Can't Have Them?
This is a heavy topic, but the loss of a baby or the inability to have one often causes spouses to separate and can be traumatic. It's always better to know the options before trying and being in agreement.
Are both of you okay with surrogacy or adoption in this case?
If You're Going To Share Your Finances
It's sad, but one of the biggest issues couples fight about is money. For example, if they share everything, then they fight over having to ask for permission to make personal purchases and feel constricted.
It's important to make a plan beforehand, such as having separate accounts on top of a shared one that both parties contribute to monthly.
How You Plan On Handling Debt
Debt might not seem like a big deal until the day you decide you want to upgrade your home and despite fighting for your high credit rating, combining with theirs makes you ineligible.
Make sure that you have a plan for handling it and agree on the same way forward.
The Location Where You Want To Settle Down
Where do you want to settle? Just because you're in the big city now doesn't mean one of you won't want to relocate to the quieter suburbs, or maybe even move indefinitely.
My parents, for example, brought me along as we lived in three different countries. That meant letting go of their friends, family, and belongings each time and starting over.
It's The Simple Question Of "Will You Be There For Me?"
"Marriage is about a million different compromises. Things that you will never think to ask will come up. What you really need to know is: Do you love me? Do you respect me? Will you be there for me? Can I count on you? Can we compromise effectively? " —cloud_watcher / Reddit
These promises aren't just for your vows, they should be proven throughout the relationship too. This was from someone who's been married 22 years.
How You Will Split Chores?
This is especially important if you haven't lived together before marriage. There needs to be the reassurance that chores will be divided equally so that no one feels overwhelmed.
"Expectations and gender roles. Resentment builds up fast. Your idea of equally splitting chores may be far from theirs. Feeling overworked, overwhelmed, and unappreciated in your relationship will kill it as quickly as anything else." —dorkmagnet123 / Reddit
What Is Considered "Cheating"?
This might be news to you, but there is so much gray area around the definition of cheating that it's no longer just about sleeping with someone else.
Anything outside of the boundaries you set, such as flirting or emotional involvement can count as cheating if it's a betrayal of your trust. If you both know where the boundaries are beforehand, then you're less likely to cross them.
Which Family You're Spending The Holidays With
When families get involved, the whole relationship gets a little more complicated. All of a sudden you feel torn and like you have to pick sides. It's a losing battle.
To avoid this, it's better to go into a marriage with an agreement of which side of the family gets which holiday. That way, no family gets upset and makes you take it out on each other.
How Much Space Will You Give Each Other To Be Independent?
"Hobbies? What do you love that they don't get? How much space are you willing to give each other? Are you comfortable doing your own things sometimes?" —JerkfaceBob / Reddit
Realistically, you're not going to love everything the other person loves, and that's not just okay, it's required. If you spend every waking moment together, your marriage will fail. You need time and space to recharge and devote to your individual needs and hobbies.
There Can't Be Any Secrets
"Do you have any secrets that could end up with us featured on the 11 o'clock news or Who the Heck Did I Marry?!" —closingbelle / Reddit
We keep secrets because we're afraid of their consequences, but they always come out one way or the other. If you truly love your S.O., then you need to respect them enough to give them the choice to marry you despite what you're trying to hide.
How And When They'll Communicate
Some people prefer to have space before opening up while others need to deal with confrontation as it's happening. So you need to ask them: "Are you willing, regardless of anything else that is going on, to be open in communicating with me about what is on your mind?
"It creates trust and it pre-empts problems, and just as importantly it stops those little irritants from lingering until they suddenly become horrible, bitter arguments." —@TSPSweeney / Twitter
Why They Want To Marry You
"As someone who got married in a hurry and is now headed for divorce, I think I can shed some insight. I think the single most important question you can ask—and it can’t be while you’re fighting or otherwise angry or distressed—is, 'Why do you want to marry me?' If the answer is genuine and makes you happy, you will probably have a good marriage. If it sounds ripped from a Nicholas Sparks novel… run, man." —edgar__allan__bro / Reddit
Don't get married out of convenience, circumstance, or because you feel like it's the logical next step. These aren't the foundations of an everlasting marriage.
Where They See Themselves In X Number Of Years
While everything seems dandy in the present moment, you need to take into account that you'll both grow and change. This means that you need to be ready to keep up with each other.
Often divorces happen because only one spouse had aspirations to work towards and got tired of having the other just tag along. However, this doesn't come to light till years down the road.
How Your Intimate Life Will Play Out
"I think you need to have a real hard conversation about the kind of sex life you're going to be having. I think the norm is for the partner with less interest in sex to stick it out until the marriage is finalized and then bring the frequency of intercourse down to their preferred level. Because…well, at that point, their partner is stuck dealing with it." —StaplerLivesMatter / Reddit
Let's be honest, many couples divorce over sex. You can imagine what kind of issues this then leads to.
"Do You Believe In Divorce?"
This might not seem like the ideal question to ask before you even get married, but it's just as important. Some people will stick with a marriage even when they're miserable because they see divorce as shameful.
You need to know that if the worst-case scenario does happen, that you'll have a way out without resenting each other.
What Their Final Straw Would Be To End The Mariage
You need to establish the dealbreakers of their commitment. These will be different from the ones you had just with dating, as marriage expectations are different. Ask them:
"What realistically would cause you to leave the marriage? If you are seeking true lifetime commitment that is genuinely felt and pledged on your wedding day, a good question to ask yourselves is, 'If divorce did not exist, would I still be doing this?'" —megalynn44 / Reddit
Accept That Some Divorces Have No Reason
We have just have given you 20 reasons divorces happen, and how it maybe could've been avoided. The truth is, though, sometimes there's actually no reason at all.
Before you start blaming yourself, rest reassured that sometimes people simply fall out of love or grow apart, and there's no explanation behind that.
