Things No One Tells You About Cheating On Your Partner, And Why It’s Best To Walk Away Before Someone Gets Hurt
It’s the morning after, and you wake up in bed next to someone who's not your significant other. Sure, it might have felt great during the moment, but whether a pent-up release, payback against your significant other for perceived wrongdoing, or a taboo experience you’ve always wanted to try, you’re now a “cheater.” Congratulations.
But once you make the decision to cheat, you can’t unring that bell. Here are the consequences of what happens when you cheat, and why it’s best to first walk away from a relationship before anyone gets hurt.
First And Foremost
Before we dive into the heart of the article, I want to make it perfectly clear that I loathe cheaters and the romanticizing of cheating on a significant other.
With that said, there is a complex network of psychology and sociology behind the reasons why people cheat, but many might not realize that after the deed is done, there is a huge mess left behind and that fallout eventually needs to be dealt with.
Your Partner Might Leave You
If your affair ever came to light then there’s a good chance your partner might leave you due to heartbreak and betrayal, and who could blame them? Even if your partner does choose to stay, you can bet that their opinion of you has forever changed. Likewise, rebuilding trust will be an enormous mountain to climb.
Perhaps it’s no surprise then that between 40 - 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce, according to the American Psychological Association. Unsurprisingly, the divorce rate of remarried couples is even higher.
Think Of The Children
Expanding off the last point, the victims of cheating aren’t just the partners, but also any children that the couple might have together.
Children notice a lot more than adults give them credit for, and if there’s tension in the house between parents, kids will notice it. This altered family dynamic will be even worse if the parents end up divorcing due to infidelity. Is that really the kind of lesson you want to be teaching your children?
You Can’t Stop At One
The only thing worse than cheating on your partner once is engaging in a prolonged affair or cheating repeatedly with multiple partners. After you’ve cheated once, you’ve set in motion a domino effect and a precedent that the behavior has the potential to be repeated, whether on your current partner or a future partner.
In fact, a recent study revealed that people who had cheated on their partners were three times as likely to cheat again on future partners.
Conflicted Emotions
Now that it’s the morning after and the deed is done, you’re emotionally torn about whether or not to tell your partner about what happened. You’ll weigh the pros and cons of confessing, and that could trigger an emotional rollercoaster of guilt, shame, and anxiety.
I’m looking at you, Ross Geller.
A Tarnished Self-Image
It’s true that we’re often our own harshest critic, and now when you look at yourself in the mirror, you’ll forever be labeled a “cheater.”
While this fact might not bother some people who cheated (say like if they're narcissistic or found an excuse to justify their actions), for others, it could be emotionally devastating and damage their feeling of self-worth.
Plagued With Anxiety
So now that you can’t even look at yourself in the mirror, you’re wrangling with the choice of whether or not to tell your partner, motivated by either self-preservation or guilt for hurting your partner.
The longer the secret is kept, the more a person has to keep up with maintaining the lies they’ve told in order to protect the secret. That, in turn, can cause feelings of anxiety and stress, which can impact different aspects of your life, such as relationships with loved ones and even your performance at work.
He's Just Not That Into You
An affair is an emotional and physical relationship between two people, but sometimes you get more than you bargained for.
A potential consequence of prolonged cheating is you or your affair partner developing stronger feelings of love and affection than desired for the affair. This could build into genuine love or a troubling obsession, and overcomplicate what you thought was going to be an easy and laidback fling.
Trust Issues
Once you realized what you’re capable of, it might cause you to enter the rabbit hole of self-doubt and wonder "what if?" when it comes to what your own partner could be capable of.
You might overanalyze the things they do or say, and this could lead to feelings of projection. Projection is a defense mechanism where a person displaces their negative feelings onto another person. An example of this would be if a person is cheating on their significant other, but accuses them of being the cheater.
You’re The Father!
Because no form of birth control is 100% effective, another ramification of cheating is the potential to either become pregnant or get someone else pregnant. Nothing complicates a situation quite like when there’s an unexpected baby in the picture.
And paying child support for the next 18 years is sure to break the bank.
The Risk Of STIs
Going off the last point, but because no form of birth control is 100% effective, another potential risk of cheating with someone who is not your partner is the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection.
Many STIs don’t show symptoms, so the infection could be doing damage to you—and your unsuspecting partner—without either of you realizing it.
You Justify Your Actions
The cold, hard truth is that there are some really terrible people out there. While some cheaters might have made a one-time mistake or are suffering from feelings of guilt after they’ve cheated, some people won’t feel that way.
For some cheaters, they might justify their actions. This could take the shape of attributing the cheating to a form of “payback” for wrongdoing (real or not), or they might feel that they’re not in a serious relationship or that their partner isn’t putting out enough, so finding sex elsewhere is justified.
Hopelessness
Sometimes cheating is rooted in the darkest of human emotions: hopelessness and despair.
Joshua Klapow is a clinical psychologist, and in an interview with Bustle, he explains that the reason why some people cheat is due to seeking comfort and security in a world that’s out of their control. "In some cases [...] the person feels there is nothing left. They have given up, but they don’t want to put an end to the relationship often for logistic reasons (money, kids, lifestyle),” he says.
Loss Of Respect
Nothing travels faster than hot gossip, and you can guarantee the news of your cheating will eventually make the front page of your inner social circle.
Even if your friends and family remain in your life, they might begin to view you differently, and that alone can be soul-crushing if it’s someone you care about.
What To Do Instead
Are you tempted by an attractive new coworker, unhappy with your current relationship, or have you already begun an affair? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then perhaps it’s time for a bit of introspection.
As we’ve discussed, the reasons for cheating are complex, but they’re always rooted in something much deeper below the surface. If the relationship is still salvageable, then perhaps it’s worth having a one-on-one with your partner or seeking a couples therapist to work through any issues.
When To Hit The Brakes
But, once the thought of wanting to cheat crosses your mind, it’s hard to undo it, and that should never even cross the minds of people in happy and loving relationships.
First and foremost, cheating is a choice. If the desire persists, then the best advice I have is simply to walk away. There is never an excuse to cheat, and while leaving will cause immediate heartbreak for the people involved, after going through this list of potential consequences, it’s a lot better than the alternative.
