What To Do When Your Partner Won’t Stop Comparing You To Their Ex
Sometimes, if you're in a new relationship, you may find your partner is referencing their ex just a little bit too much. Maybe rather than opening up to you about a past relationship (which is healthy), they compare you to their ex, putting you down in the process.
This can indicate that they are still thinking about their ex, or that maybe even some part of them wishes you were their ex. A one-off comment or two can be harmless, but there's no doubt about it, being compared to an ex hurts. And if they can't stop living in the past, it may be best to go your separate ways and focus on a future with someone else.
Let's Talk About Exes
Most of us have exes who we don't like, and hey, maybe some of us have exes that we miss in our darkest moments. Sometimes, your partner's ex-boyfriend or girlfriend can haunt your relationship in the form of unwanted comments or comparisons.
If you're seeing someone and they can’t seem to stop talking about their former partner, this is an instant red flag.
Why Someone Is Comparing You To Their Ex
There are lots of reasons someone decides to compare you to their ex. Although sometimes it can be positive, for example, "God, I'm so glad you're not crazy like my ex," it can also be negative.
For example: "Why don't you want to come out tonight? My last girlfriend was always down for a night out..." At the end of the day, both kinds of comments can be extremely hurtful and upsetting. These comments imply that the person you're dating is still thinking about their ex.
Communicate With Them
If it happens regularly, and it's usually done to hurt your feelings, it may be a sign that it’s time to move on and find someone who doesn't compare you to other people.
But, if it's only happened once or twice, that behavior can be harmless if it doesn't continue. Make it clear that you won't tolerate those comments, and let them know that it hurts you. They will stop doing it if they really care for you.
It Usually Means That Their Ex Is Still On Their Mind
The most important takeaway from someone comparing you to someone else all the time is that their past connections are still on their mind.
This can prevent them from being a content, devoted, and fully present partner. When they make suggestions to change your behavior based on what their ex used to do, in a way they are trying to emotionally replace their ex.
Everyone Brings Something Different To The Table
When it comes to dating, no two people are the same. And if someone can't reference their ex without putting you down, that's a horrible feeling.
So if you're constantly being compared to an ex, this may mean that your partner doesn't seem to understand that everyone has something unique to offer.
Expert Opinions
Repetitive or random references to an ex send one strong and clear message, according to Tufvesson and Lewis, founders of matchmaking service The Bevy. The women claim that regardless of the type of message, these comments suggest they aren't over their ex. But hey, if these comments don't bug you, your relationship isn't always necessarily doomed. The key is just to communicate with one another.
You should let them know that before getting into another relationship, they need to resolve to fully move on from their prior relationship. And if they can’t stop living in the past, it may be best to part ways and focus on a future with someone else.
When The Comments Seem Harmless
Comments that don't seem malicious, and are made in a joking manner, could be handled differently. For example: "Oh man, that dog looks just like my ex." If you find this funny, it doesn't bug you, and your partner has never made comments like that before, many don't think too much about it.
That being said, if you're uncomfortable with comments like this, just communicate that to your partner. Although your relationship with them likely can continue, the references to your boyfriend or girlfriend's ex still must be addressed.
The Golden Rule: Don't Let Someone's Comments About Their Ex Go Unnoticed
So, if you really like a guy, he's perfect and good-looking, but he won't stop bringing his ex up, you NEED to do something about the situation. If you prefer to dump him and move on, I fully support that.
Personally, I was able to shut down the comments a guy I was with made by explaining that I'm someone who looks forward, NEVER backward. That being said, he had only made one or two comments in the few months that we were together. Once I told him I wasn't a fan of the "I'm so glad you're not crazy like my ex" comments, he stopped. I think it's best to explain that rather than just listening to them rant and compare you to their ex, you'd prefer not to hear about it unless you ask to.
But Maybe It's Best To Move On
The very fact that he mentions his ex so much may just be a sign that you need to escape as fast as you can. No matter how often they occur, references to an ex are never a good sign. Because maybe this guy (or gal) will be holding a torch for their ex for the rest of their sad little life.
To be clear, if comparison comments are hurting you and are made repeatedly (even after you ask for them to stop), it's time to find someone who isn't pining over something that once was.
Storytelling Vs. Comparison Comments
If someone wants to tell you about a past relationship they had, that's way different than them putting you down in the process.
If we're splitting a bottle of red and telling bad date or horrible ex stories, I'm okay with that. Because maybe when I'm ready, I want to hear more about their past. But if bae is talking your ear off about how great their ex was or putting you down every time they bring up your past boo, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship with them.
In A New Relationship, You Need To Forget About Your Ex
In order to be fully devoted to someone, you have to have successfully moved on from past relationships. If you're still reminiscing on a relationship and thinking about an ex, you're not ready for a new partner.
Rather than dating someone who is trying to make you into a person you're not, find someone who will love and accept you for who you are.
Here Are Some Other Signs They Aren't Over Their Ex
Other than making comparisons about you and one of their exes, there are lots of signs that your new partner is still holding a torch for their ex.
So let's go through a couple of these ex-relationship red flags.
They Still Get Emotional When They Talk About Their Ex
If someone is crying every time they mention their ex's name, this is a huge sign that they are still not completely over what happened.
Just remember, the way your partner speaks about their ex will give you insight into how they may be feeling about their ex.
They Keep In Touch With Their Ex's Family
If your partner was with their ex for a really long time, they may have developed a close relationship with their ex's family. If the family is constantly reaching out to your partner or vice versa, this can be a bit of an issue because it insinuates that they don't want to fully let go.
It may not be a huge deal if your partner keeps in touch with them every now and then, but it's definitely something to watch out for.
They Have Nothing But Bad Things To Say About Their Ex
One time, a person I was dating would badmouth their ex all the time, and I thought that it was such a red flag because I know there are two sides to every story. It also made me think about how he would spin the narrative about OUR relationship in his next.
According to divorce coach Andrea Hipps, a partner who's fully emotionally available "should be able to express gratitude for what they had and a future-focused approach to what they are taking with them from it."
They Make Excuses
If your new boo is constantly making excuses as to why they are still in contact with their ex, this can be concerning.
Phrases like "they are important to me," or "they helped me through some hard times, so I like to be there for them" can be worrisome if they are in contact with each other all the time.
