Why You’re Struggling To Move On From Unrequited Love
It's incredibly painful to feel like you have finally found your person but not be able to have them. On top of that, to truly love that person and want to give them the world but not understand why it's not enough is even more painful. Yet, for some reason, you still can't move on from the pain.
Let's break down the reasons why.
What Is Unrequited Love?
Unrequited love is the term we use to describe the times that we develop strong romantic feelings for someone, only to realize that they don't feel the same way.
It's a love that is not returned, and sometimes not even desired. It's basically a one-sided relationship.
The Effects Of Unrequited Love
This one-sided experience unleashes a lot of negative emotions and insecurities. You might feel shame for not being enough or wanting to give so much to someone who wants so little.
Or you might feel real grief and pain from the confusion about why they can't just love you back.
It's Just As Painful As A Breakup
The worst part of unrequited love is that it feels the same as a breakup without sometimes having even had the benefits and memories of a relationship.
You can experience the grief of losing someone you love before having even had a chance to be with them.
It Comes In More Forms Than Just Not Being Loved Back
Unrequited love isn't just about loving someone who doesn't love you back. Sometimes, it's just about loving someone you can't be with for a multitude of reasons.
You can feel unrequited love for someone who is just not available. You can even mutually feel attracted to someone but one of you is in a relationship with someone else.
It Can Even Happen After A Real Breakup
Despite what we said earlier, it's actually quite common to feel unrequited love for someone who once loved you and that you actually did get a chance to be with.
This is what happens when you feel desire for an ex after a relationship has ended, or if your partner falls out of love with you.
You Refuse To Believe It's Over
The final stage of grief is acceptance, and it's often the hardest stage to get to. When you love someone, and if they loved you back for a time, you feel like you would do anything to get that back.
Except you can't control how another person feels. You think you could convince them if you just send them one more text. This is just your own way of trying to take control.
Your Mind Is Protecting Your Heart
Technically, the mind is just protecting itself, but it's doing so by living in denial. It's clinging on to any once hope for change.
It lets you fantasize about the "ifs" so you continue to feel okay, but in doing so, it prevents us from taking action to move on.
Blame It On Evolution
A big part of why you can't let go is based on evolutionary theory and not your fault. At one point, mankind needed attachment for survival.
Men and women formed attachments that were strong, even unbreakable, to evolve into being the most dominant species on Earth and stay that way.
You Can Also Blame On Chemistry
When you fall in love, you release dopamine into your brain. This is what makes you feel happy. It also lowers your serotonin.
On the other hand, when the serotonin takes over, you feel more anxious, have a tendency to be obsessive, compulsive, and impulsive.
The Further They Are, The More In Love You Feel
Some studies say that once the bond of attachment is broken after you've formed it with someone you love, ironically, even more dopamine is released.
This is because the experiences of romantic love are heightened by diversity, obstacles, and uncertainty. This makes your feelings more intense when you know you can't have them.
You're Going Into Withdrawal
If your unrequited love is due to a breakup, your brain will treat your love for your ex like a drug and crave it. What's really happening is that you're missing the dopamine dose that you got when you were together.
Just like any addiction, with time, the cravings will subside.
Parts Of Your Brain Can't Communicate
Similar to why we stay in a relationship that we know is bad for us, studies say that the logical part of the brain knows that the attachment is unhealthy, but the limbic brain needs that attachment to exist and survive.
This causes internal conflict that is hard to control in the beginning. You want to listen to logic but you're overwhelmed by the need for the attachment.
You Need The Validation For Your Self-Esteem
We tend to associate being unloved by one person with being inherently unlovable. We start to think that just because they don't love us, no one else will, because there's something wrong with us.
So we wait and crave for this person to love us to reassure us that we're wrong. We think that if they can confirm it, it'll restore our self-esteem.
A Lack Of Answers And Closure
Since love doesn't always make sense, not having our love returned comes with a lack of answers. We try so hard to understand why we're being rejected and can't move on past the confusion.
This lack of closure slows takes up your time as you try to figure out why or what you could have done differently rather than how or what you should do to move on.
You're Living In The Past
This doesn't only depend on whether you dated this person, but also on whether you professed your love and got rejected. You start to crave a time where they loved you back or a time you lived in the hope that they would before confirming that they don't.
You hold on to the memories because the truth of the present moment is more painful.
You're Living In The Future
As opposed to living in the past, you might not be able to let go of your unrequited love because you're still dreaming about the possibility of them changing their minds.
You've analyzed all the variables and have convinced yourself that if even one changes, they might start to love you back.
You're Wearing Rose-Colored Glasses
"This is probably because of our fairy tale perception, which is full of flaws, but we are ignorant to see.
"This person remains perfect, cannot do wrong although he/she violates our basic need to receive and give love. This is what we had learned to believe as love is unhealthy but we all are here probably to learn our lessons." —June Vendrigg / Quora
You Want What You Can't Have
"The human desire to get things in return. We want the other person to reciprocate because that is what we have been taught and that is how we function." —Neha Jha / Quora
So then when we don't get it, we interpret it as a challenge and we're driven by a desire to "win" it. Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have, but it's not the thing you need, either.
You're Not Alone—Many Share This Pain
"I realized my personal understanding of my own life is woven around who and what I care about. In other words, it is difficult for me to move on from someone I have taken into my life because I believe that interacting with them how I understand myself.
"I had to learn through a great deal of pain and embarrassment that I can't control who wants to be with me; that I don’t control who I want to be with (I can only recognize why I do)." —Michael Munson / Quora
All Pain Eventually Heals, And You Will Unlove Them Eventually
Don't feel like you're stuck loving this person forever. Understanding why you feel unrequited love is only the first step. Next is accepting that they'll never love you back and letting go of any hope so you can free yourself.
You can do this by giving yourself time to be sad, limiting contact with them, and putting yourself out there to meet the kind of person who won't be able to resist loving you, maybe forever.
