These Men Should Have Had Their Phones Taken Away Before Hitting ‘Send’
For every man who's smooth and suave with the ladies, there are others who, well...aren't. And every woman has experienced guys who sent a text so cringe that he should automatically have his phone taken away.
While they're not finding love anytime soon, thankfully this smorgasbord of everything from clueless guys to "nice guys" have given us something to laugh at—their failure.
Does Momma Know She's Dead?
This charmer over here definitely isn't winning any "World's Best Son" awards anytime soon. He claims that his mom just died and that he needs emotional support (even threatening to harm himself) in order to get a woman to come over to his house.
In tandem with being rejected, the woman then sent this text to his mother who said, "A damn shame...I'm about to curse his a** out."
The U.S. Marine Corps
It's a blessing in disguise that Matt the proud "Marine" accidentally sent this Snapchat message to the wrong person instead of the woman he intended to. The lines "even though I'm 29" and "even though I'm much older, you're safe with me" were enough to make the person who accidentally received the text cringe.
"I need an adult. I need an adult!"
Let's Try Some Reverse Psychology
The guaranteed way to earn the scorn of any woman is to ask unprovoked for nude photos. Sigmund Freud over here is trying a bit of reverse psychology on this woman by claiming that he hates asking for nudes and treating women like objects, but hopes she'll find him so endearing that she sends him nudes anyway.
He did say one thing right though: boys are indeed a-holes.
Getting Freaky
This man absolutely knows how to unleash his wild side in the bedroom. Remember, ladies, if blow jobs don't excite you, then surely the girl-on-top position will. One at a time now, ladies.
Doesn't seem like he'll be taking home a woman anytime soon, but thankfully he has his right hand to keep him company.
How Bra Sizes Work
Pretty much if any guy messages you and it begins with "Big boobs," you can probably guess that you're in for a bad time.
Luckily for this woman, she decided to use his stupidity and ignorance of the female body to her advantage. With a WD-40 bra, she'll never have to deal with squeaky boobs again.
For Christmas, You Get A Dictionary
This is the actual conversation one woman had with a 30-year-old man who has about the same grip on the English language as a kindergarten student does.
His masterful control over the English language is too much for my tiny woman brain to understand. Does anyone have a dictionary?!
Cue The Violins
A $150 date later, and it looks like this guy isn't any closer to getting inside his date's pants. If this guy's villain story ever gets told, this will be the moment our forlorn hero was unjustly transformed into a "nice guy."
Oh, wait a minute! This is the perfect time to break out my tiny violin!
Hello, Death, My Old Friend
When you message someone for the first time, there are certain no-no topics, such as height, breast size, yearly salary, and age. Unfortunately, this guy didn't get the memo.
Nora here was looking for love on Tinder, and instead got hoodwinked by some young hooligan who said he's into "older women." For reference, she is 30 years old.
The Trojan Horse
Hoping for a love connection, Troy over here "super liked" a woman and poured his heart out to her. When she finally checked her messages a day later, he was fed up with feeling "ignored" by her.
"Troy sure won't be using Trojans anytime soon," commented one Reddit user. Much like the city of Troy in Greek mythology, our boy Troy here just got wrecked.
He's Bye-lingual
This bilingual Romeo sent this woman a total of 12 unanswered and creepy text messages, and when she still didn't respond, he started insulting her. (Shocking she didn't respond, isn't it?)
Anyway, he attempts to swoon her in English, Spanish, and even using Australian slang, but sadly, when it comes to winning her heart, he is patético y solo.
Customer Service 101
This Redditor explains that their roommate tried to have an IKEA bookcase delivered to her apartment. When the delivery drivers refused to deliver to her complex, she had to pick up the bookcase herself and drive it home. This was the message she later received from one of the delivery guys.
Because all great love stories begin with using a customer's private information to contact them without permission.
Oops, Wrong Person
In today's edition of "Things That Absolutely, Most Certainly, 100% Happened," I give you this text message from a man who asked a woman he liked whether she'd broken up with her boyfriend yet.
If this man's story was in a bookstore, it'd definitely be in the "Fiction" category.
You Ugly Slug
When women receive messages like the first one here, it can make us feel pretty special. Unfortunately, it can quickly be replaced by "nice guy" wrath who take out their tiny manhood on the same women they were just attempting to swoon. Luckily for this woman, she has a sense of humor.
"Ugly slug is my new favorite insult," she said.
Not Getting The Hint
Remember when you were in high school and would post an overdramatic Facebook status using the cryptic lyrics of a popular song? Of course not, you blocked that from memory.
Anyway, the internet is full of cringe pictures and while not a direct message, this "nice guy" still had the audacity to publicly post this status.
"You Have Unmatched Joe"
Tinder is a place where you try to meet someone new in hopes of it turning into a romantic relationship. But this is not how you start off a conversation with someone, let alone a person you don't even know.
Remember, masturbation is a natural part of life, but it doesn't need to be emblazoned out in the open like it's breaking news. So, guys, don't be like Joe.
Hooking Up Is Hard To Do
No one ever wants to wind up in the hospital, and unfortunately for this woman here, her unwelcomed Tinder match is quite literally adding insult to injury.
Gotta hand it to Prince Charming here though. He certainly has a way with words.
Try Not To Fall In Love
The only thing that makes this desperate text message even creepier is the abundant use of oddly chosen and placed emojis. He calls himself a "gentleman" and a "very giving" man, but the only thing he's giving me is the creeps.
If it's a choice between falling for this guy and falling off a cliff, I think I'd prefer the latter.
Found The Misogynist
There are acceptable unpopular opinions such as "I don't like pumpkin spice lattes" or "I don't like pets," but viewing women as inferior to men definitely is not one of them.
The fact that he views women as unworthy and is yet still on Tinder speaks volumes, and with that attitude, it definitely seems like he'll be searching for a while still (aka the rest of his sad life).
"Dating Is Hell"
Modern dating in a nutshell: If it's between being single forever and dating guys like this, she's definitely better off alone and thankfully the trash took itself out in this case.
"We really need to work on empowering the next generation so NO ONE will think this is ok," commented one Twitter user.
Watch Out, We Got A Bada** Over Here
You know you're in for a bad time when a man refers to himself as a "nice guy." While it's not a direct message to a woman, it's still cringeworthy enough to infer that if this is what he posts publicly on Instagram, his messages to potential love interests can't be much better.
"When the nice guy posts another lame threat meme about losing his patience, the devil cringes," one user commented.
